I had it, and then I lost it

I had the most brilliant idea for my blog title. I just can't remember it. This is what happens sometimes. No matter how much fish oil I take, sometimes I forget.

I wanted so much to be further along by now. Is this what people say all through life? The ideas I have still swirling around my head... all the research I have to do before venturing into the world of epublishing. It's all before me. I haven't done very much yet. When I wonder what's holding me back, it's a few things:
1) my tendency to second-guess every decision
2) my careful and slow ways of making a decision
3) my research into who should publish my work has only begun; then, I have to decide (see #2) and go through the spin cycle of second-guessing my decision (see #1).
4) these steps all pertain to having a completed manuscript, which I do not have. Ahhh, details, details. Yes, I need some semblance of a manuscript... or something.
5) life is what happens when you're busy making other plans. Sometimes other things take precedence. So as much as I tell myself I should have all the time in the world to work on this project, I don't. Sometimes I have the time and my brain doesn't want to work. I should probably view that as a gift from the Universe and just forget about it then.
6) why was 6 afraid of 7? Because 7 ate (8) 9!

I'm thinking of calling my collection of stories that deal with (ahem) my conflict with a certain podunk town "Jane versus Environment." This is like what you learn in English class; the main conflicts are man vs. man; man vs. environment, man vs. self. Well, there's not much manly about Your Jane so we'd first of all have to change that to Woman and second of all, why not use my name? It is a well chosen name! So there you have it.

I have 90% of that story collection done, except for a crown jewel of a tale I really need to put down. Once it's done on my end, La Diva will sprinkle in her wit and we shall see what the "finished product" draft will look like. Part of me can't wait, and part of me clearly can, since we haven't worked on it much lately, have we?

Oh, I give up. Universe, this will get done on your schedule, not mine.

Thanks for listening.

-Jane

There is no such thing as getting back to normal

Whether I'm dealing with stuff that is tangible or intangible, one thing is always true: nothing stays the same. Everything is in a constant state of change, whether we can see it or not.

I read some article about human physiology that said that our hip bones keep growing throughout life. They never stop. (Cue for Jane and Diva to throw up their hands in dramatic exasperation simultaneously.)

Your Jane is fond of packing for a vacation (who isn't?) and will often set out the things she'll be wearing for her to admire weeks beforehand, so that when she's rushing around getting ready for work she'll see, for instance, a sarong, and feel that little bit of excitement inside that precedes a new adventure. But when I get home, it's into the laundry bin with the clothes; if they are clean, they get put away. The suitcase goes back to its place in the closet, and it's back to business. Before I go to sleep, the day of my return. I like to be reminded that I'm going somewhere, but not that I've been somewhere (because the latter inevitably reminds me that my fun break from reality is over).

But coming back from being away, fixing something, changing something, painting something, whatever it is... whether you hope to hold something the same (eyes, please don't wrinkle!) or keep the things around you familiar, this is something that isn't really possible.

I remind myself of this when I say to myself that things need to get back to normal. There is no normal, and there is no getting back to anything. We are flowing down the river of life, and nothing is as it was before. Every single minute.

Thanks for reading, amigas, and have a great week.

Yours,
Jane Q. Phoenix

The Earthquake Dream

Hi all.

Had a crazy dream. I was inside a girls school in Italy or Greece (somewhere beautiful, foreign, and earthquake-prone) and while I was inside the school, there was a massive earthquake- so much so that the dust outside was so deep, it was as tall as the door! There was damage inside, although not too much, and along comes my best friend.

This isn't a best friend I've ever known in my waking life, but one whose appearance in this dream made me feel quite calm- like everything was under control even though the world outside was literally falling apart.

She said to me, "Don't worry. I know a way out of here. Follow me."

And so I went, following her through rooms of this school, to a window above a door. She opened it up and we both climbed through to the daylight.

People were glad to see us (not over the moon, but then again, we weren't all that worried when we were essentially buried underground). They said, "It's a shame the school was buried. It had such a great library and we can't use it anymore." But overall they weren't concerned.

I think this is because we all knew that we had everything we needed inside ourselves: our wisdom, our knowledge, and so on.

What do you think? Any interpretations for me?

-Jane

The list

Funny what shows up in real life after you make a list. I wrote:
Takes off his shoes when he's inside the house

The new dude in my life totally does this. So did my first love. Their birthdays are 1 day apart. Interesting similarities.

My friend S asked me the other week, "Why do the guys you date always cook for you?" and I had to laugh. This may be a requirement rather than a request. It's hell being a slave to your own stomach! And it's funny what that will bring in to your life.

Anyway, amigas and amigos, I just wanted to give you an update.

-Your Jane

Rough drafts abound...

OK, so with some embarrassment I will admit that I've been working on that list for years now. That list you make to the Universe to say, This is what I'm looking for in a man. But as Diva most astutely pointed out, I forget to mention everything that I think should be implied.

You can't imply that a man is generous, and a good tipper; you have to say it. You can't imply that he'll earn money and take care of his body; you have to say it. And don't laugh, but you have to specify that he works in your geographic location and plans to stay there... as Your Jane can attest, so many of them up and move away for a better job.

In my past lists, I have left out glaring things, some of which almost make me laugh as I look back and realize that maybe the man in question fit this bill perfectly; I just forgot to add the No Skoal and Illegal Drugs rule, or the No Narcissism and Alcohol Problem rule. Whoops! I had a list that said I wanted a man with beautiful hair, and I found one- 10 years younger. Relating to each other was a challenge, and it didn't last. Plus, if a man's good-looking (or even average), he doesn't need hair. So, I look back and wonder why that ended up on my list.

So my point is, sometimes you get what you ask for; generally, you do. BUT, it may not be what you really want. What is the saying that sometimes what you wish for is not what you really want? I think that applies.

Your Jane is hard at work at an exhaustive list. It is personal and will not be posted, although if you ask, I'll share it with you in person.

Yours,
Jane Q. Phoenix

Reprise...

Omigosh, my eyes are opened up.... I'm seeing more and more people who (in my opinion) do too much (perhaps to indebt the other person?) and then expect some sort of payoff... It creates such inequalities and drama.

Can't we all just be friends with who we like and forget the rest????

Ahhhhhh.....

Life Preservers

In recent months, Your Jane has had several breakthroughs- with health, with mental clarity, even with overall happiness. I am doing well, amigos and amigas- better than I have in a long time. It's due to the help I've received along the way as well as the strength I've built within myself. I've tackled problems and solved them. I've been applauded and rewarded for my work. I've taken care of the things that in turn take care of me, and I've got to say, life is good.

It seems like this has gone unnoticed by a few friends of mine. Given, they are not my closest friends, but others whom I see from time to time. They seem to want to offer advice I haven't asked for, and try to encourage some sort of relationship in which Your Jane is in distress and They swoop in to save the day. Then, Your Jane puts the back of her hand to her forehead, utters "My Hero! You've saved the day!" and said people feel great.

But the thing is, I just want to have friendships with these people. I am not interested in what they think I should do with my life or how I should go about my day-to-day living. Happily, I'm no longer in the place where I need to go to either one for help, and I'm not so weak anymore that I need saving. Incidentally, what I hear from one in particular is unsolicited (and sometimes out of left field in Projectionland).

There is a pattern I've observed with a few family members, where they need to churn and sputter and tell you what they think until they are all worn out, and I just listen. I don't agree, I don't acquiesce, I just listen. I've employed this tactic, with limited success. With one amiga, I will likely need to shift into Confrontation status, in which I will say, "Are you going to tell me to do this thing or that thing until I agree to it? If so, prepare to talk for a really long time because I didn't ask for any help, I didn't wonder what your opinion was, and frankly, I'm not that interested in being told what to do!"

Yeah, it's gotten a bit out of control.

Then there are the babies. Not real babies, just the chronologically grown-up adults who look to Your Jane as some sort of life preserver out in the Real World ocean. Your Jane doesn't take on your problems. I literally had someone who would bring in her bills (problems) and dump them onto my desk. It's a gesture that says, "Here, I'm making this your problem too. Now, take some ownership of this situation."

I would say, "Why are these bills on my desk? It's not my job to figure out what to do with them."

Yeah, I kind of feel like I'm being a bitch when I do that... but why in the hell should anyone else burden me with their problems? First of all, that's terrible manners. Second of all, those are your problems, not mine. You own them. Maybe someone could help you with them... but for what I'm talking about, that is a different discussion.

So it seems we've come full circle. Your Jane is strong enough to be looked at by some as the life preserver, but others still want to see her in the flailing girl in search of a life preserver role.

For those who are looking for life preservers, you have to understand that other people can't make you want to live and enjoy your life. Other people can't force you to stop taking painkillers or sleeping 16 hours a day and pushing things you love out of your life. Other people have a limited role in what you decide to do. The decisions you make, the thoughts you think, the way you live your life and spend your time is up to YOU. If you think that you can rely on other people to give you the incentive to live a good life, you need to check yourself. That is a DECISION that you have to make for YOURSELF.

I have been known to brush off the more difficult hangers-on who want to use me to feel better. I find that I just can't handle the dependency and end up feeling resentful and annoyed. I know this is my issue, somehow.

People who help us with our physical and emotional selves can be really great resources. Feeling good physically makes us feel better mentally, often times. There is nothing like the boost you can get from nutritious food, massage, acupuncture, yoga, exercise, and so on; sometimes others have to be there to treat you (or cook for you) so that your physical body can benefit from these things. This contribution to your life is something to be celebrated and appreciated! But these people, as loving as they may be, are not responsible for making you want to live a good life. Happiness (or maybe even just the pursuit of it) begins within.

Friendship is what life's all about- not taking on the problems of others and trying to solve them, not secretly feeling superior to people in your life who are going through hard times and whom you are "helping" to "get better." Friendships don't exist on the My Fair Lady level; if you're looking for a fixer-upper, it's not going to turn out to be much of a friendship. Friendship shows the give and take, the acceptance, the letting go of the need to parent or boss around the person. Accept a friend as a peer, not a fixer-upper or a life preserver. Nobody's the same and we all are working on becoming better people, but the dynamic of friendship should be tolerance, acceptance, and a willingness to laugh at (and accept!) your friend's quirks rather than condemn and try to correct them.

Whew! Well, that was my rant, and now I'm spent. I hope you have a great week.

Yours truly,
Jane