Oh, hello

I am taking a quick break from my schoolwork this dreary rainy and cold Saturday afternoon to ponder the meaning of life.
42. That is the answer. We all know the answer. None of us know the question.

While Ms. Jane Q. Phoenix deals with the goings on in her life (I am hoping that she finds another job very soon), I continue with my own random thoughts. I sometimes do think too much, and other times not enough. When I was 15, I was chatting with this fellow about life in general. (Unfortunately for both of us, I was only 15 because otherwise, I might have ended up with a charming, sweet, insightful and educated boyfriend. How lovely would that be? I had my chance at 15 and have yet to experience all three of those things in one person. But I do digress...) He told me that some things I need to just let be otherwise I'll end up thinking myself into a box. Yes, I do that. It's usually got to do with my own life and what am I supposed to do here? What comes next? And then? What after that?

I have to keep reminding myself to take things as they come. Needless to say, this is much easier said than done. I think partly it's ingrained in us. I mean, how many of you had to do the exercise in school (or even in some job interviews for chrissakes!) "Where do you see yourself in 5 years? 10 years?" Now, how many of you have actually realized what you might have said? While goals are good to have, and visualizing yourself achieving those goals will keep you motivated and help you get there, sometimes life has other plans. My life keeps changing at a pace that brings me to places, that five years ago, I just wouldn't have imagined.

Let's take a quick look...at 20, I never expected to have been struggling to barely make ends meet at 25. At 25yrs old, I never expected that at 30 I would have moved to a state I'd never even considered living in and have a job with a large company that others would look at as quite a good job to have (and I thought so too at the time.) When I turned 30, I never expected that by age 35 (which I'll mark this year), I'd have quit that job, sold everything to go back to school, and still be in school in a completely different state yet again (and back to struggling to make ends meet, although with a different perspective than I had at 25.) Funny how life works. Who knows where I'll be in the next 5 years?

Despite this, I keep wanting to know where my life will take me next, start plotting my next move so to speak. At the same time, I realize just how futile that is because right now, and for the next year or so, my place is here, continuing my studies. And so much can change in that year! Oh, I have dreams of leaving for foreign lands and traveling, experiencing different cultures, but for now, there is nothing I can really do about that. I need to get this task, my schooling, done with first. And yet I continue to ponder my fate. Where will I end up? What will happen? (oh, yes, if you haven't figured out by now, I often read the endings of books after the first few chapters just so I'll know where it ends and then can see how it got to that.)

I've had readings done that basically tell me everything is going to be all right, but I can't quite believe it yet. I am filled with uncertainty. I need to learn to live with it, let it be. Let the stillness come. Instead, I rush around trying to find an answer, trying to find that stillness. Put this way it seems pretty silly, and yet, that is what I do. Boxing myself in indeed.

Background

The lovely Jane Q. Phoenix and I have been friends for oh so many years now. We met on a rambunctious school tour of Ireland. She defended me against our egomaniacal professor who seemed to have issues with my having a distinct sense of independence and spirit of exploration rather than docile submissiveness to his supervision of our group. I mean, really! I'd been travelling on my own since I was 18! I could handle more than he thought. But that's for another time. I, in turn, introduced Ms. Phoenix to the wonders of cider and expanded her adventures in Ireland, like the trip we took away from the group and her very first train ride! We also hailed our first cab ever in the streets of Dublin together. That was the beginning.

Since then, our friendship has grown stronger. We've been friends, roommates, even workmates! We've commiserated over many of life's little inconveniences like the troubles with boys and our jobs. We've also celebrated together, like New Year's in Miami and sometimes we just need someone to listen when things seem to not make any sense. We've shared similar experiences, like quitting our jobs to go back to school to follow a different path than the one we were on.

We're now living on opposite sides of the country. I'm still in school while Ms. Phoenix finished last year and started working in her new field. We still talk quite often. In fact, she tells me I'm the reason her cell phone battery is often low or dying. We came up with the idea of this shared blog as a way to discuss what happens in our lives and how we deal with them. The big things and the small-whatever we feel. That's what this blog is all about.