Makeover Time!!!

She's a beautician, not a magician, but I think tomorrow's trip to the hair stylist will reap some serious rewards. I told her on the phone the other day that I want to take a risk with the hair- basically, it's time for me to start looking like Jane Q Phoenix already, and I'm not there yet. Jane Q Phoenix has to have sassy hair, knowwhatImean? And I have something very sassy in mind. I'm thinking something like what you see above. Short bangs and a bob. Something that any dude would positively swoon over and come running toward. I have to do something to attract men with their acts together who were born within 6 years of my birth year, because I keep meeting old farts and guys who are barely older than I could have produced with a teen pregnancy. Someday when I get round to dating again, it would be nice to pick among my generation, knowwhatImean? Not baby boomers and not Generation Y or Z.

I can't wait for my new look!!!!

A rainbow, a prediction from an old man who looked like Johnny Cash, and a river otter playing nearby

Today was an interesting day. It started with John and Alice, a couple who are in their eighties who come to the park to swim. Alice is deaf and John is mostly blind. God and Goddess bless him, he looks like a blue-eyed Johnny Cash. He has an air about him that just oozes sweetness. Anyway, he's hard to understand when he talks but he came up to me at the counter today, where I collect money and hand out wristbands and ice cream, and he said to me, "Soon as the sun comes in through your back door, you're going to be in love." And I smiled back and- what do you say to this? didn't say anything, just nodded, and hopefully he saw that.

By this time Alice was out of the water and he went over to her with his towel to help her dry off. It was the sweetest thing to watch. Two people pushing 90, one who can't hear and one who can't see, and they are just so nice to one another. I think that's what people imagine when they visualize growing old with someone else.

I started to imagine the logistics of the sun actually coming in through my back door- I don't think it can, given the direction it faces and the fact that there's a porch in the way- but just the same it was a nice thought and hopefully a true prediction.

Next, there was a river otter who just came up into the swimming area to wow the park guests, catch a fish and eat it. I got to see it swim away and everyone was so excited. I love otters, they are great!

Finally, given the plethora of rain up here in the Rain Forest, I got to see a rainbow. Where did it land, you ask? My house of course. No pot of gold has been located but I'll take what that blue-eyed Johnny Cash guy is predicting instead.

Time to clear again

Once again, I have decided that I need to drastically cut the junk from my life. This isn't easy to do as I seem to be a natural collector of things.  Last year, upon Jane's recommendation, I bought "Clear Your Clutter with Feng Shui." It really inspired me to go through my things after I came back from a two month stint away-I remember returning--walking back into my apartment, looking around and thinking, "Oh my god! Why do I have so much crap?" 

I spent the next two months going through things a bit at a time; I think I got rid of at least 5 bags of things, including clothes, shoes (my beloved shoes), and just stuff! Then, I hit a wall. It was time to go deeper and I don't think I was quite ready for that. I wasn't ready to start delving into valid items and deciding which to eliminate. So I stopped. And started buying other stuff. Now, I am back to looking at a cluttered apartment yet again, thinking how nice it would be to live simply-having less "filler" for those empty spaces.  I think that might be one of my issues, trying to fill in empty spaces. I'd like to feel more comfortable with the emptiness-become less attached to my things. After all, they are merely things, meant to make my life more comfortable, right? And if they are not enriching my life in some way, I need to let them pass on to someone else.  

I can sort of see where this tendency of mine started-I can remember at least two distinct times I lost or gave away something I "loved" and then either being heartbroken for the loss or regretting getting rid of it.  I also remember not getting things or seeing others get what I want with no chance of it for me. I certainly don't ever remember making a conscious decision saying, "When I get older, I'm going to start getting things and keeping them," but I do think somewhere deep inside that thought formed because it seems that's what I have been doing most of my adult life. Now, now it's time to release things.  I might have to reread that book again for inspiration and then again and again until it's instilled. 

Trip down memory lane... confessions by Jane about how life was more fun when there were more Irish boys to flirt with

In meeting up with Hermione last weekend to celebrate my first published article in 9 years and my new job, she mentioned that she had ruined her pictures from our trip to Ireland (on which we met, along with Dancing Diva and our friend Smiling Flower, who lives near the actual city we once inhabited and is currently pregnant with twins. Hermione and I were roommates and got along swimmingly as you'd imagine, since we're in touch 13 years later). The trip was in 1995. After some hunting, I found some of the negatives and had copies made for her. I also went through my old album and found duplicates, so Dancing Diva, you will also be receiving some pics in the mail. Hopefully it will be a fun surprise. I'll be on a mission tomorrow to take care of all of my errands before the weekend begins and I'm on my feet for 10 hours per day TCB at the beautiful nature park. Hopefully I'll get to the post office then.

All of this looking back makes me nostalgic. Diva, remember when we were on the phone, either late last year or early this year, and you said that you hadn't had a truly fun year in like 11 years! And I agreed! I mean, why is it so challenging to be an adult? Why is there so much stress???

My current job is a throwback to my first post-college job in a resort in a national park, except back then, for co-workers, there were tons of guys who were my age and now there are tons of guys who are old! (Well, there are some super-young ones now but they are completely ridiculous and out of the question- which begs the question- why did we have so much fun when we were young and ridiculous?) I think I just answered my own question.

Why is the ridiculousness so hard to recapture? I see glimpses of it every now and then. Hermione had me cackling in an Italian restaurant last week. I told her I knew of a guy who was a herpetologist and she asked if he studied herpes, and if so, were there chlamydiologists too? Oh, Hermione, you are killing me, but in a good way, softly with your songs of ridiculousness as it were.



I can just feel better knowing that I am not aggravating my carpal tunnel, or making my vision worse squinting at a computer monitor. Physically I am better off running around, and this job makes that possible. I'll get tired of being dirty and sweaty soon enough, but the fact is that I feel good when I leave for work. I don't spend time the night before dreading it or feel it sap my energy. I can get stuff done when I get home from work and don't just drag myself around. It is so nice! And so unusual. No wonder it's seasonal work with no future and no benefits that pays less than what I need to cover my bills. Reasonably stress-free living comes at a price.

All I know is that right now I'm learning this job and I think I'll need a few months of fun at the park with the turtles and fish before I can think about returning to an air-conditioned environment where I'd be expected to iron my clothes (perish the thought!). Besides, Mercury is retrograde from a few days from now until mid-June. I'm superstitious after accepting my last disaster of a job and starting it within a few days of Mercury going retrograde. The longer I live, the more superstitions I come up with. Is that bad???

It was fun to see old pictures Hermione had of me with Senor Beautiful Stephen from California as well as our friend Paddy. These were my Dublin boyfriends as it were. How come we didn't have that much fun when we went out in our regular hometown? I mean, really.

I guess it's just that vacation mentality that's so hard to capture when you're at home. With gas at $4 per gallon, it's going to take a lot to recapture those vibes again. (Sometimes, though, when I'm in my room watching TV, I pretend that I'm in a hotel room somewhere exotic. Am I crazy? I just rearranged the room, so it really does feel like somewhere else.)

My good news is, the drought is abating and we're having some rain here in the Rain Forest. Oooh, I hope it rains tonight so I can listen to it while I fall asleep.

Hooray, I just heard some thunder. Time to go dream of happy things and fly with my wings (see previous entry from April about finding a soft spot to land if you don't get that reference).

Your tree-hugging amiga,

Jane Q. Phoenix

well no wonder!

So, for the past few days, I have been one big ball of an emotional mess. I'm grumpy, and sad, and at other times, just so touched by things that I could cry. I also am quite irritated by little things. I'm irritated with myself as well (at least I include myself in my ire.) All the while, I'm wondering why on earth because I've actually been feeling quite good recently, and grateful for my life. But the past two days?? Big mess.

I just took a lovely bike ride to the grocery store, and the day is gorgeous-sun, blue skies, cool breeze. I started getting wistful for the days I would just ride my bicycle everywhere, and now it seems I just hardly ever have time. And I realized part of it growing up. Instead of putting everything else off to go ride my bike like I used to, now I put off the bike riding for everything else-chores, school, work. So that's part of it. 

And as I got home and sat down to the computer, still wondering why I've been such a grump lately instead of enjoying the days I do have, I saw the calender and the lightbulb went off. Yes, hormones are kicking in and putting me on this rollercoaster-PMS.  Well, no wonder! I can look at my melodramatics (nobody loves me!! I have no friends!! What am I doing with my life?I want to go home! I'm so saaaaaad!) with a bit more humor and discernment. 

What a relief!

Just look for somewhere soft to land

In doing a goddess reading for myself, in which I take my goddess cards and pick one or two and those are supposed to be the themes for my day, I had 2 messages: 1) stop worrying, everything is fine and 2) your chosen path is the right one for you. Nice comforting messages, I must say. Soooo.... I picked these cards before going to bed, and the illustration of the goddess Aine shows a woman with wings, like a fairy. She is flying or at least the sky is behind her in the illustration. Therefore, I went to sleep and dreamed about flying, or rather leaping over a cliff.

Luckily I wasn't alone. I was with some guy who was some type of guide, and for illustrative purposes let's call him Hot Mike.

In the dream, I was nervous about running up to the cliff and jumping, but Hot Mike assured me that everything was fine and that it was a perfectly acceptable thing to do. He grabbed my hand and we started running. The only thing I remember him saying in particular was as we jumped, when he said, "You'll be fine- just look for somewhere soft to land!" and I knew at that point that all would be well.

The action of jumping off the cliff did jar me awake, but I had enough wherewithal to go back to the dream and picture what the soft place to land would look like. It was a patch of green earth, free of snarly tree branches or anything like that.

It is a concrete goal (pardon the pun) to land somewhere soft. I took the leap away from the security of full-time employment in a place that dragged my energy down, and now I'm running with Hot Mike toward a cliff and jumping off, looking for somewhere soft to land. It is kind of cool.

The sensation in the air was odd, after we'd jumped. I felt light and didn't fall very fast. It was like when you are parachuting to the ground, and you can control where you land. It was odd enough to jar me out of the dream for a second, but not enough to cause panic.

Hmmmm.... interesting!!!

A river of tomatoes, a tomato river... My dreams are odd these days

I did a dangerous thing and read an advice column. This woman was freaked out because she kept dreaming about her first love, whom she still sees occasionally since they live in the same town. The advice to the woman was, perhaps you are more smitten with who you were when you were with him, rather than him in particular. I think the advice was right on.

Not to be outdone by the lady who wrote to the columnist, I went to bed and had a dream that 3 of my exes had morphed. (All had names beginning with S, if you want to guess who they were). One was tall, blond and skinny with a soul patch on his face; another was more muscular and shaved his head; and finally one was a redhead with long hair, of average height. The product of these 3 guys (and I wish I could draw, but bear with me) was pretty much the Olympic Flying Tomato himself, Shawn White. Pretty funny. Of course, that guy is so young that he'd be a ridiculous pick for me anyway, coolness notwithstanding.

OK, so then (in real life, on IMDB.com today) I moved on to my former future husband River and found some good quotes from him:

"We are taught to consume. And that's what we do. But if we realized that there really is no reason to consume, that it's just a mind set, that it's just an addiction, then we wouldn't be out there stepping on people's hands climbing the corporate ladder of success."

"I can't on my own change the regime in South Africa or teach the Palestinians to learn to live with the Israelites, but I can start with me."

And it is sad, because he is gone, and he seemed like a really cool guy. But I notice something about death: People (who don't die) move on from it when someone they love dies. It's like the world readjusts and changes. Like the River in Siddhartha. It's always changing, never the same, and no one can claim one moment or make it last. That's what is so great about life. I mean, who knew yesterday that Jane Q. Phoenix's true dream guy was more or less a flying tomato? There are wonders to be found at every turn. I'm telling you.

I had multiple social invitations tonight but am staying in to master a computer program and hopefully gain a freelance job next week. (The job requires that I know how to use the program, hence the sequestration of myself). It is a drag to miss out on people I love to spend time with, but hopefully I'll get to see them when I don't have a deadline or opportunity looming.

Life is good!

Yours as always,

Jane Q. Phoenix