Sometimes I use judgmental language, I know. I am viewing people through the scope of my own experience. Really, I have to accept that this is a different person with a different view of life. And while I don't see eye to eye with this person, I know he or she is entitled to an opinion just like I am entitled to mine.
Which brings us to L. L is a woman I knew in Winterville who can't make it on her own. She lives in a mansion (not an exaggeration, a huuuuuge home in a beauuuutiful neighborhood) out of the charity of the home owner, who she convinced she could assist with the running of the home in exchange for free room and board. Now, I know there are a lot of tasks associated with running a home, and I don't belittle that, but as someone who tried to rent a room out of her brand-new Winterville home five years ago in an effort to make money and cover her bills, and who met a lot of people who presented L's suggestion about living there for free, I sure as heck didn't appreciate it. Well, I was poor, and the home lost half its value and I couldn't sell it, and for a while I was jobless and on unemployment, so I didn't have the capacity for charity... it's not like I had so much and could afford to have someone there not paying. And, it's not really in my background to have this type of arrangement. I don't come from some wealthy type of family that doesn't need income.
Anyway, L was recently arrested for shoplifting. Yes, shoplifting. Because living in a mansion for free apparently isn't enough. Living for free, and using her food stamps to subsidize her living and house parties, and who knows what other entitlements that she receives (that people like me pay for) apparently isn't enough. Now L needs new free clothes too?
I wouldn't have known about this if Diva wasn't still Facebook friends with S. S is a woman who has deleted me off her friends list as both Jane and my "real" name. I am not sure of her reason and didn't ask. I know that when we met, we were both at the bottom of the barrel, couldn't find work, couldn't find good people, and stuck in Winterville, so I gave this a pass. I figured, if she wants to move out of that time in her life and not be reminded of the people she knew then, more power to her. Although she and I won't be meeting up and discussing things, I think we can agree that we both deserved better than that.
S pasted a link to the Winterville mug shot website with a description of why L was arrested. Apparently, they had a big fight months ago when S caught L shoplifting at TJMaxx. S said L was stupid. L said, "No, they (meaning the people in the store) are stupid." (So it's OK to steal from stupid people? And it's OK to steal? Noted.) They stopped talking and being friends.
Again, I would have known about none of this unless L had made such a fuss about it. She'd call me up and go over this "fight" they had that probably never took place. "S was mean to me because I got lost on the way to her apartment and took too long getting there. S was mad at me because she wanted me to date some guy who lives in an RV. Can you imagine? I'm dating someone who has a plane!" (and a few other girlfriends, it turned out. Surprise, surprise.)
L spent a few weeks ringing my phone so she could malign S. She'd complain endlessly about being deleted from Facebook; it took me at least a month to realize S had deleted me too. She tried to bait me into saying bad things about S. There were some pauses in the conversation when I wouldn't take the bait. I don't want to be like that. I'd say, "Listen, I don't want to hear you talk badly about her. Sure, he has her issues, but so do the rest of us, and you need to let this go."
Of course, S has a criminal past as well. It was a long time ago, and doesn't reflect what she does now, but it does exist. So her trotting out the information about L's arrest didn't seem fair, either. Pot, have you met Kettle?
I can't even take sides in this. S doesn't talk to me and I don't have any reason to call her. L is probably too embarrassed to get in touch, although she's started sprinkling comments on Facebook again since she got out of jail. I don't have anything nice to say, and I'm trying not to say anything.
I know using judgmental language is wrong, and judging people isn't the best thing, either. However, we all tend to choose people as friends and acquaintances who fit our values. Dr. Wayne Dyer talks about this- shifting to a higher frequency, that sort of thing. He's a very spiritual dude, and I don't see him hanging out with addicts or thieves.
I do get disappointed sometimes.
Sigh! Well, thanks for listening, friends. I hope the upcoming week is a lot of fun for you. And have fun being Irish today!
Yours,
Jane
Sunday, 17 March 2013
Tuesday, 5 March 2013
Sentimentality is the Ally of Delusion
I have a friend I knew in the bad old days. D had no job when I had a crappy one, and then when both of us were unemployed, and then when I worked full-time and could not make ends meet and she lived with her parents and managed a makeup counter, her true career having been grounded by the Great Recession.
D was the first to break free of Winterville and get back into her chosen profession, which she actually performs on the road all the time. I struggled at my prior position, had some times of relative sanity when the bills were under control but before my illness, which messed up my finances in a big way as you could imagine, and now I am free of both Winterville and the old circumstances. Thank goodness. It's been a long, hard row to hoe. I'm glad to be on the other side of that crisis.
We met because she volunteered at a theatre where I sometimes volunteered and sometimes performed. D was miserable then. Well, we all were. I met some pretty interesting people there. One explained why natives ostracized me, being a sympathetic native herself. Another was a very angry person who would later, after my friend D's exit, start up some junior-high style campaign in which I would be excluded and made to feel like an outsider. I stopped talking to her and the sympathetic native when all that $hit hit the fan, and I explained to D this situation; she could sympathize with me from the safety of being Far Away and employed in a capacity that allowed her proper distance.
D's status the other day on Facebook was something like: "Feeling nostalgic for my time at Winterville Theatre" with Angry Person, Sympathetic Native, and a bunch of other actors from those days. I was not included, although I was there then.
So now that D has a full bank account and a glittering successful career and a full life, she is nostalgic for the times when she had no money and lived with her parents and hung out with a bunch of underemployed miserable people in an economically depressed region? Whaaatt???
Dear Goddess, of all the things to be nostalgic about! Let me tell you about how it does NOT break my heart that those days are over. In fact, I am quite relieved. If you'd told me a few years ago that I'd end up living in a great place, surrounded by loved ones, with a long-distance boyfriend whom I've loved since I was 16, and real opportunities ahead in my career, I would have thought you were insane. I don't know if I would have known it was possible, given that I was surrounded by such difficulties, and, aside from people like D, difficult people too.
So maybe Facebook is just wrong for me. Maybe my boyfriend was right to give it up. Because I didn't appreciate being reminded of those crappy times, and I didn't appreciate having been edited out of D's recollection of it, probably to appease Angry Person.
A book I have, Lovingkindness Meditation, talks a lot about sentimentality being an ally of delusion. D could be sentimental about those days and just remember what she wanted to, editing out the rest. Were they so great? Nope. But hey, volunteering at the theatre got us all out of the house. At least there was that.
I think I had more fun in the past 2 months, when I was in transition between Winterville and the new city and I lived near work, than I had in the 5 years I lived in Winterville.
Wow.
Here's my status update: Damn glad to be living in the here and now!
Yours truly,
Jane
D was the first to break free of Winterville and get back into her chosen profession, which she actually performs on the road all the time. I struggled at my prior position, had some times of relative sanity when the bills were under control but before my illness, which messed up my finances in a big way as you could imagine, and now I am free of both Winterville and the old circumstances. Thank goodness. It's been a long, hard row to hoe. I'm glad to be on the other side of that crisis.
We met because she volunteered at a theatre where I sometimes volunteered and sometimes performed. D was miserable then. Well, we all were. I met some pretty interesting people there. One explained why natives ostracized me, being a sympathetic native herself. Another was a very angry person who would later, after my friend D's exit, start up some junior-high style campaign in which I would be excluded and made to feel like an outsider. I stopped talking to her and the sympathetic native when all that $hit hit the fan, and I explained to D this situation; she could sympathize with me from the safety of being Far Away and employed in a capacity that allowed her proper distance.
D's status the other day on Facebook was something like: "Feeling nostalgic for my time at Winterville Theatre" with Angry Person, Sympathetic Native, and a bunch of other actors from those days. I was not included, although I was there then.
So now that D has a full bank account and a glittering successful career and a full life, she is nostalgic for the times when she had no money and lived with her parents and hung out with a bunch of underemployed miserable people in an economically depressed region? Whaaatt???
Dear Goddess, of all the things to be nostalgic about! Let me tell you about how it does NOT break my heart that those days are over. In fact, I am quite relieved. If you'd told me a few years ago that I'd end up living in a great place, surrounded by loved ones, with a long-distance boyfriend whom I've loved since I was 16, and real opportunities ahead in my career, I would have thought you were insane. I don't know if I would have known it was possible, given that I was surrounded by such difficulties, and, aside from people like D, difficult people too.
So maybe Facebook is just wrong for me. Maybe my boyfriend was right to give it up. Because I didn't appreciate being reminded of those crappy times, and I didn't appreciate having been edited out of D's recollection of it, probably to appease Angry Person.
A book I have, Lovingkindness Meditation, talks a lot about sentimentality being an ally of delusion. D could be sentimental about those days and just remember what she wanted to, editing out the rest. Were they so great? Nope. But hey, volunteering at the theatre got us all out of the house. At least there was that.
I think I had more fun in the past 2 months, when I was in transition between Winterville and the new city and I lived near work, than I had in the 5 years I lived in Winterville.
Wow.
Here's my status update: Damn glad to be living in the here and now!
Yours truly,
Jane
Saturday, 2 February 2013
Masculine vs. Feminine Qualities: Which are Better?
My answer? Too much of either and you're out of whack!
I've lived in 2 places here that have been either hyper-masculine or hyper-feminine. Both workplaces were chaos, for different reasons: one sought to dominate me into submission (as if!) and the other offered conflicting messages, lack of communication, and no incentive to learn new things and make more money(How is this masculine or feminine? I'd call it a genderless cluster****). Neither is going to apply to my future life since I will be moving on from this soon. I also learned what it was like to have car mechanics try to bully me into getting work done that I didn't need, who tried to overcharge me for work I needed, and on the other hand I've had to deal with incompetent people working on my car.
It occurred to me that the place I work now, with mostly women in charge, has a lot of issues. Everyone wants their stars to shine, at the expense of everyone else's, which is typically a masculine trait, but at the same time, they on some level believe in the spirit of cooperation- and cooperate in making chaos for support staff to constantly live with and try to unravel. It is exhausting. I miss the organization and structure I knew when I worked for a male-dominated industry, but I sure as heck don't miss the sexist attitudes and belittlement from those men.
So what is my point? Nothing's ever perfect! But I did come to a better understanding when I applied this to masculine and feminine traits.
Here is a list from a college Sociology text by Pearson Education, Inc. that includes my comments in special text:
(You will notice that more feminine traits have a negative connotation (and it was probably written by a man). This is a thing about our language that's evolving AND reflective of where we've been- and possibly things will change, and perhaps not. There's no telling.)
Feminine Traits:
Submissive (This has a bad meaning usually but I can see how it can help in social and work situations. Sometimes you don't need to fight over everything. I prefer this strategy: "OK, person I disagree with. Have it your way, and blame yourself when it doesn't work because I tried to warn you!")
Dependent (This is insulting to a modern woman, for whom dependence isn't usually even an option, but it also reflects other things: income that comes from government payments, pensions, family members, or any situation in which something or someone takes care of you or perhaps wields some sort of power over you.)
Unintelligent and Incapable (I've seen both sexes use this trick. It's the "I'm so stupid and helpless that I need someone to take care of me," act. I saw it in my last boyfriend. Do you know I am a selfish a-hole for not bankrolling a good lifestyle for him while he was a professional student (who often bombed finals) and went from entry-level job to similar job because he found work to be so dissatisfying? Whatever, dude. I also saw it in a former co-worker of mine, a woman. And I think it's funny for me to say that I'd rather see these qualities in a man than in a woman, but it's true. Women today have opportunities like never before. Playing the stupid and helpless card generally means that I'll want to kick you with my boots on if you keep it up!) Are you kidding me? Did the book actually list unintelligent and incapable as a feminine trait? Tell them to go have a baby, raise it and run a home in the meantime, which is traditionally what women have done, and then go tell me women are incapable?
Emotional (And you can't tell me that both sexes aren't emotional. My boyfriends have been is more emotional than I am, probably because I have my guard up so much- see Masculine Traits below for additional information! But seriously, we are all emotional creatures. How much of the emotion we allow to be seen/heard/shared is our choice.) I think the difference is that men tend to compartmentalize things...as in, "OK, I'm at work now," and they shut the door on that aspect and concentrate on work, while women tend to be more holistic, realizing that it all goes together. Too much of either isn't good.
Receptive (I find this to be ironic in a way, because women tend to give, give, give. Especially mothers. But the receptivity to our emotions, signals that light our paths, signs, the moods of people around us, the perception of danger, any type of "receiving," whether it be help, money, information, support. The way women are socialized makes us more apt to be receptive, and perceptive, in a lot of cases.)
Intuitive (Pretty much, what I just wrote. People with this trait are gifted in ways that apply directly to making one's way in the world.)
Weak (Now that word just pisses me off- see Masculine Traits below. You want to call me weak? OK, well, I don't have upper-body strength if that's how you measure my abilities. I wasn't built for that. However, if you mean weakness of character, that is a personal trait, not a gender-based trait.)
Timid (The first time I saw footage of the traders on the floor of the New York Stock Exchange, I thought, Whoa. Those people are nuts. Well, "those people" are generally men. And they are doing what they've been socialized to do: compete, shout, bargain, look for a deal. It's not right and it's not wrong. It's just rather unappealing to some types, including myself.)
Content (Now this cracks me up. Who is ever truly content? Why would contentedness be gender-specific? That's just crazy talk. Is this the opposite of achievement-oriented? Because if so, it definitely doesn't have a gender associated with it.)
Passive (Anyone who has a mother knows that this isn't really a female trait!) However, more women than men I know are passive-aggressive because again, traditionally, a woman was not allowed to be overtly aggressive. So, because she didn't come out guns blazing like a man, men thought of women as passive...
Cooperative (Now, this one I like. Politicians seem to channel these traits related to "doing it their way" and if you get a room full of those fools, nothing productive ever gets done; it's just posturing and fighting and all the stuff we generally see. BS, I say. Learn to cooperate, and you can do great things.)
Sensitive (See Emotional.)
Sex object (Traditionally, yes. Women typically wield some power because of their appearance in some situations at least. There's really no denying it. But in this equal-opportunity age of living in a youth and hotness-obsessed culture, men are not exempt from this. Do you think Ryan Reynolds gets acting jobs based on his talent alone? I don't think so. I've dreamed about him shirtless and I bet I'm not the only one :) Amen to that sister!
Attractive because of physical appearance (This is something I came across in trying to date for the last 5 years or so. Youth and attractiveness are currency in the dating world. No, I don't like it, but not liking it doesn't mean it isn't so. Old men really came after me in the online world. Old men! Yuck! But they wanted me to appreciate their masculine qualities (see below) and overlook the fact that I'd miss out on sharing my life with someone my age, with a similar past, musical and TV interests, general life experiences, etc. So that is some of the game, but like they say, don't hate the players, hate the game.) More on the players, below:
Masculine Traits
Dominant (Yeah, I'm just going to hit you over the head if you won't let me do things my way. What can I say? Sometimes this works, and sometimes, it drives people away from you quickly.)
Independent (OK, so given world history I'll allow this to be considered a masculine trait, although it usually applies to most people who have their $hit together. My fictional idol Scarlett O'Hara put this spirit into practice when she said she wanted to have so much money and resources that she could tell anyone at all who said things against her to go to hell. I feel the same way. Independence isn't just financial, but being able to make your own decisions is such a good feeling to own.)
Intelligent and competent (Right, one might say, I've got this.)
Rational (If you follow politics at all, it's the ones who make the emotional connections who win. The ones who make rational arguments about cutting waste and balancing budgets and dealing with shortfalls to Social Security get written off as too stodgy and not warm enough. I see rationality as a good thing, but a tough sell. Even if the underlying issues are compassionate, rationality doesn't appeal. So really, this is a "negative" masculine trait, even though I personally think it is a good one.) Want to see a guy become irrational? Just go to a bar and watch another guy hit on his girl! LMAO!! All reason goes out the window....
Assertive (I've been accused of this in my day. If you don't want to be trod upon, then be assertive. It's a good thing. I suppose you could take it too far and be overbearing, but for the most part, have a backbone.) Yes, in a woman it's called Being a Bitch.
Analytical (I test pretty high for this as well. Diva always says to me, "What you say makes sense, but that's not the way most people think, or the way most people behave." And that makes me laugh, since it's hard to empathize when you don't get why people don't think the way you think. Anyway, I think being analytical keeps you from being too stuck in your opinions over time. I am proud to say that I've changed my opinions over the years based on information that's come to me and made me reconsider my ideas.) Aren't analytical and rational pretty much the same? Anyhoo, yes, I have to keep reminding you that the majority of people are neither analytical nor rational? If you have any doubts of that in a male dominated field, just look at the stock market.
Strong (Strength is emotional as well as physical. Strength is what you need to carry yourself through life. I think you have to learn to be strong, and if you refuse to be strong, your life is harder as a result.)
Brave (This is a universal trait, for sure. You have to be brave to go to your first day of school. You have to be brave to stand up to others and assert yourself. You always have a choice, of course. But getting through life is one act of bravery after another, really!)
Ambitious (This can be good or bad. How high is your ambition? How do you go about getting what you want? Do you step on others? Is throwing people under the bus involved? Or do you show up and do a good job and look for opportunities? I used to debate this with an ex of mine who thought that when I said, "I let my work speak for itself," and "I only need to compete with myself" was Loser Talk. He was programmed to think that his star had to shine, no matter what the cost to his personal life or his co-workers. He wasn't a great boyfriend- a shocker, I know.)
Active (We can't all be the Zen types: you know- we do without doing and everything gets done. Sometimes, we've gotta be active and get things done for realsies.)
Competitive (What, you want incentives in life? You want challenges? You want to be compensated for your abilities? Well, then, you must be a tiny bit (or very much) competitive!)
Insensitive (Ha ha ha ha ha. Oh, if only this were specific to men! Often times I used the phrase, "And now I'm the A-hole!" to get across the point that sometimes people say you're insensitive when you're standing up for yourself. Hmmm, this is a tricky one.)
Sexually aggressive (My friend C said recently, "As women, we say no a lot more than we say yes," and I realized how much that is true. Guys have to keep on trying and trying just to get a woman's attention. I can't imagine what it's like but it must be something.)
Attractive because of achievement (It's the car, the house, the bank account that make you attractive, right? Hey, models marry rich guys. It isn't a coincidence! But that's not always the case. And like I said before, there wouldn't be a concept of "sugar mamas" if this were truly gender-specific!)
What do you think? Diva, do you have any thoughts you'd like to add in pink? If so, please chime in!
Really, this is a very complicated issue as both sexes have both "traditionally" masculine and feminine characteristics...you need to have both, yin and yang, or there is imbalance. There is a definite difference in how boys and girls are taught socially, and really, it's a burden for both to have that kind of a thing heaped on them. I just read an article the other day that said toddlers of both sexes are equally violent, but girls are then taught "it's not nice to hit" so they learn to be violent in their social cues, gossiping, excluding etc. Makes me wonder what would happen if that sort of social conditioning changed altogether? And with that, if I ever have a boy, I'm going to name him Sue.
I've lived in 2 places here that have been either hyper-masculine or hyper-feminine. Both workplaces were chaos, for different reasons: one sought to dominate me into submission (as if!) and the other offered conflicting messages, lack of communication, and no incentive to learn new things and make more money(How is this masculine or feminine? I'd call it a genderless cluster****). Neither is going to apply to my future life since I will be moving on from this soon. I also learned what it was like to have car mechanics try to bully me into getting work done that I didn't need, who tried to overcharge me for work I needed, and on the other hand I've had to deal with incompetent people working on my car.
It occurred to me that the place I work now, with mostly women in charge, has a lot of issues. Everyone wants their stars to shine, at the expense of everyone else's, which is typically a masculine trait, but at the same time, they on some level believe in the spirit of cooperation- and cooperate in making chaos for support staff to constantly live with and try to unravel. It is exhausting. I miss the organization and structure I knew when I worked for a male-dominated industry, but I sure as heck don't miss the sexist attitudes and belittlement from those men.
So what is my point? Nothing's ever perfect! But I did come to a better understanding when I applied this to masculine and feminine traits.
Here is a list from a college Sociology text by Pearson Education, Inc. that includes my comments in special text:
(You will notice that more feminine traits have a negative connotation (and it was probably written by a man). This is a thing about our language that's evolving AND reflective of where we've been- and possibly things will change, and perhaps not. There's no telling.)
Feminine Traits:
Submissive (This has a bad meaning usually but I can see how it can help in social and work situations. Sometimes you don't need to fight over everything. I prefer this strategy: "OK, person I disagree with. Have it your way, and blame yourself when it doesn't work because I tried to warn you!")
Dependent (This is insulting to a modern woman, for whom dependence isn't usually even an option, but it also reflects other things: income that comes from government payments, pensions, family members, or any situation in which something or someone takes care of you or perhaps wields some sort of power over you.)
Unintelligent and Incapable (I've seen both sexes use this trick. It's the "I'm so stupid and helpless that I need someone to take care of me," act. I saw it in my last boyfriend. Do you know I am a selfish a-hole for not bankrolling a good lifestyle for him while he was a professional student (who often bombed finals) and went from entry-level job to similar job because he found work to be so dissatisfying? Whatever, dude. I also saw it in a former co-worker of mine, a woman. And I think it's funny for me to say that I'd rather see these qualities in a man than in a woman, but it's true. Women today have opportunities like never before. Playing the stupid and helpless card generally means that I'll want to kick you with my boots on if you keep it up!) Are you kidding me? Did the book actually list unintelligent and incapable as a feminine trait? Tell them to go have a baby, raise it and run a home in the meantime, which is traditionally what women have done, and then go tell me women are incapable?
Emotional (And you can't tell me that both sexes aren't emotional. My boyfriends have been is more emotional than I am, probably because I have my guard up so much- see Masculine Traits below for additional information! But seriously, we are all emotional creatures. How much of the emotion we allow to be seen/heard/shared is our choice.) I think the difference is that men tend to compartmentalize things...as in, "OK, I'm at work now," and they shut the door on that aspect and concentrate on work, while women tend to be more holistic, realizing that it all goes together. Too much of either isn't good.
Receptive (I find this to be ironic in a way, because women tend to give, give, give. Especially mothers. But the receptivity to our emotions, signals that light our paths, signs, the moods of people around us, the perception of danger, any type of "receiving," whether it be help, money, information, support. The way women are socialized makes us more apt to be receptive, and perceptive, in a lot of cases.)
Intuitive (Pretty much, what I just wrote. People with this trait are gifted in ways that apply directly to making one's way in the world.)
Weak (Now that word just pisses me off- see Masculine Traits below. You want to call me weak? OK, well, I don't have upper-body strength if that's how you measure my abilities. I wasn't built for that. However, if you mean weakness of character, that is a personal trait, not a gender-based trait.)
Timid (The first time I saw footage of the traders on the floor of the New York Stock Exchange, I thought, Whoa. Those people are nuts. Well, "those people" are generally men. And they are doing what they've been socialized to do: compete, shout, bargain, look for a deal. It's not right and it's not wrong. It's just rather unappealing to some types, including myself.)
Content (Now this cracks me up. Who is ever truly content? Why would contentedness be gender-specific? That's just crazy talk. Is this the opposite of achievement-oriented? Because if so, it definitely doesn't have a gender associated with it.)
Passive (Anyone who has a mother knows that this isn't really a female trait!) However, more women than men I know are passive-aggressive because again, traditionally, a woman was not allowed to be overtly aggressive. So, because she didn't come out guns blazing like a man, men thought of women as passive...
Cooperative (Now, this one I like. Politicians seem to channel these traits related to "doing it their way" and if you get a room full of those fools, nothing productive ever gets done; it's just posturing and fighting and all the stuff we generally see. BS, I say. Learn to cooperate, and you can do great things.)
Sensitive (See Emotional.)
Sex object (Traditionally, yes. Women typically wield some power because of their appearance in some situations at least. There's really no denying it. But in this equal-opportunity age of living in a youth and hotness-obsessed culture, men are not exempt from this. Do you think Ryan Reynolds gets acting jobs based on his talent alone? I don't think so. I've dreamed about him shirtless and I bet I'm not the only one :) Amen to that sister!
Attractive because of physical appearance (This is something I came across in trying to date for the last 5 years or so. Youth and attractiveness are currency in the dating world. No, I don't like it, but not liking it doesn't mean it isn't so. Old men really came after me in the online world. Old men! Yuck! But they wanted me to appreciate their masculine qualities (see below) and overlook the fact that I'd miss out on sharing my life with someone my age, with a similar past, musical and TV interests, general life experiences, etc. So that is some of the game, but like they say, don't hate the players, hate the game.) More on the players, below:
Masculine Traits
Dominant (Yeah, I'm just going to hit you over the head if you won't let me do things my way. What can I say? Sometimes this works, and sometimes, it drives people away from you quickly.)
Independent (OK, so given world history I'll allow this to be considered a masculine trait, although it usually applies to most people who have their $hit together. My fictional idol Scarlett O'Hara put this spirit into practice when she said she wanted to have so much money and resources that she could tell anyone at all who said things against her to go to hell. I feel the same way. Independence isn't just financial, but being able to make your own decisions is such a good feeling to own.)
Intelligent and competent (Right, one might say, I've got this.)
Rational (If you follow politics at all, it's the ones who make the emotional connections who win. The ones who make rational arguments about cutting waste and balancing budgets and dealing with shortfalls to Social Security get written off as too stodgy and not warm enough. I see rationality as a good thing, but a tough sell. Even if the underlying issues are compassionate, rationality doesn't appeal. So really, this is a "negative" masculine trait, even though I personally think it is a good one.) Want to see a guy become irrational? Just go to a bar and watch another guy hit on his girl! LMAO!! All reason goes out the window....
Assertive (I've been accused of this in my day. If you don't want to be trod upon, then be assertive. It's a good thing. I suppose you could take it too far and be overbearing, but for the most part, have a backbone.) Yes, in a woman it's called Being a Bitch.
Analytical (I test pretty high for this as well. Diva always says to me, "What you say makes sense, but that's not the way most people think, or the way most people behave." And that makes me laugh, since it's hard to empathize when you don't get why people don't think the way you think. Anyway, I think being analytical keeps you from being too stuck in your opinions over time. I am proud to say that I've changed my opinions over the years based on information that's come to me and made me reconsider my ideas.) Aren't analytical and rational pretty much the same? Anyhoo, yes, I have to keep reminding you that the majority of people are neither analytical nor rational? If you have any doubts of that in a male dominated field, just look at the stock market.
Strong (Strength is emotional as well as physical. Strength is what you need to carry yourself through life. I think you have to learn to be strong, and if you refuse to be strong, your life is harder as a result.)
Brave (This is a universal trait, for sure. You have to be brave to go to your first day of school. You have to be brave to stand up to others and assert yourself. You always have a choice, of course. But getting through life is one act of bravery after another, really!)
Ambitious (This can be good or bad. How high is your ambition? How do you go about getting what you want? Do you step on others? Is throwing people under the bus involved? Or do you show up and do a good job and look for opportunities? I used to debate this with an ex of mine who thought that when I said, "I let my work speak for itself," and "I only need to compete with myself" was Loser Talk. He was programmed to think that his star had to shine, no matter what the cost to his personal life or his co-workers. He wasn't a great boyfriend- a shocker, I know.)
Active (We can't all be the Zen types: you know- we do without doing and everything gets done. Sometimes, we've gotta be active and get things done for realsies.)
Competitive (What, you want incentives in life? You want challenges? You want to be compensated for your abilities? Well, then, you must be a tiny bit (or very much) competitive!)
Insensitive (Ha ha ha ha ha. Oh, if only this were specific to men! Often times I used the phrase, "And now I'm the A-hole!" to get across the point that sometimes people say you're insensitive when you're standing up for yourself. Hmmm, this is a tricky one.)
Sexually aggressive (My friend C said recently, "As women, we say no a lot more than we say yes," and I realized how much that is true. Guys have to keep on trying and trying just to get a woman's attention. I can't imagine what it's like but it must be something.)
Attractive because of achievement (It's the car, the house, the bank account that make you attractive, right? Hey, models marry rich guys. It isn't a coincidence! But that's not always the case. And like I said before, there wouldn't be a concept of "sugar mamas" if this were truly gender-specific!)
What do you think? Diva, do you have any thoughts you'd like to add in pink? If so, please chime in!
Really, this is a very complicated issue as both sexes have both "traditionally" masculine and feminine characteristics...you need to have both, yin and yang, or there is imbalance. There is a definite difference in how boys and girls are taught socially, and really, it's a burden for both to have that kind of a thing heaped on them. I just read an article the other day that said toddlers of both sexes are equally violent, but girls are then taught "it's not nice to hit" so they learn to be violent in their social cues, gossiping, excluding etc. Makes me wonder what would happen if that sort of social conditioning changed altogether? And with that, if I ever have a boy, I'm going to name him Sue.
Sunday, 27 January 2013
Call me crazy... or whatever
At what point do you bypass all societal guilt and simply act to protect yourself from crazies?
Here is what I mean. In the last few years, I've been getting SCHOOLED in dealing with people with mental disorders. It must be a lesson I have to learn, something karmic that I need to understand. Whatever the reason, it's happened over and over, and the only thing I really understand about it is that I can't handle crazy people. Shunning them is an act of self-preservation. And yet, when I read the news and see the horrible things that crazy people do, I can't help but wonder: should I be trying to help them more? At the expense of my own mental health?
Here is the answer I keep coming back to: NO.
Years ago, I embarked on a meditation experiment based on Lovingkindness Meditation. There is a book by Sharon Salzberg if you'd like to check it out. Basically, it uses 4 phrases for you to wish yourself and others well:
May I be free from danger
May I have physical happiness
May I have mental happiness
May I have ease of well-being
Substitute "I" for "you" or "we" as time progresses. First, focus on yourself, wishing yourself these things. Then, focus on a friend. Then, a stranger. Finally, a "challenging person." When you have covered all the bases, the question posed is, if you were in a situation where someone's life would be lost, who would you choose? Would you sacrifice yourself or choose another? The answer is that each life is equal after the exercise, and it's impossible to choose.
So... crazies. I had one last year who wanted to relay to me all the adventures she'd had stalking a guy who was possibly mildly interested in her, at the expense of her estranged husband and confused young children, over a number of states. Somehow, a decade ago, she'd taken on the responsibility of being a wife and mother without really committing to it, and now she was feeling like she'd missed something big and envied my single, never-married life (Snort! Scoff! I told her from the start that she had a house full of people who loved her, and I didn't have anything like that. It pales in comparison to being able to finish a book in a timely manner, which she seemed to want a whole lot).
One day, I interrupted one of her soliloquies (So I saw him in traffic, and he wasn't where he said he was supposed to be, so I followed him, and it looked like he went to so-and-so's house, which I didn't like and why didn't he tell me? Then later, at 9:53, he posted a comment on Facebook to his OLD GIRLFRIEND some flirty thing about whatever, and I was like WHOA, man, what are you doing? What about our relationship?) I was starting to suspect that their "relationship" was mostly a figment of her imagination supplemented by stalking (did I mention she's quit her job and moved several states over to "date"this guy?) So I said, "Stop, stop, stop, I can't listen to this anymore. I just can't do it. I don't have the energy to listen to this. I need to take care of myself."
Later on, she did something that I can only describe as "throw my sister under the bus." That was when I bowed out entirely, and said I needed a break from hearing from her. (Honestly, when I get to that point, I am done with someone since I'm such a champion grudge-holder, but I didn't want to sound so final.)
Last night, my "sister" asked me if I am in touch at all with the person described above. I told her no.
We hear all the time that people who walk into a room with a weapon like a knife or a gun and murder a bunch of school children are insane and socially isolated. And I must admit that I am responsible for isolating some people who've come in to my life and tried to latch on to me.
I remember something Wayne Dyer wrote: that people at the same level of consciousness tend to migrate toward each other and befriend each other. Sometimes you have to bid farewell to certain friends/people whose energy pulls you down to move forward in life.
I once looked at the tableau of people blowing up my cell phone, who were spouting things to me like: "Pay attention to me! I need your attention! Listen to my drama! Let me talk you out of having any goals in life so I won't feel inadequate! Let me bring you down with my crappy attitude! Let me try to turn you against someone else we know by harping on all of his/her terrible qualities! And if you don't let me do any and all of these things, you are a bad person! Shame on you! My drama and I need attention and YOU are a bad friend if you don't want to pay attention!"
It occurred to me that Wayne Dyer doesn't hang out with people hooked on prescription drugs who wallow in their depression and make their friends feel bad about trying to improve their lives. Wayne Dyer doesn't hang out with mentally unhealthy people who are in denial and refuse to have their illnesses treated. Wayne Dyer and most ex-Catholics understand what low-level weapons guilt and shame can be.
I've had to let several people go, with well wishes. I wonder what they are doing now, although I don't want to check in on them! I suspect one is in a house full of junk and garbage, getting old before her time, suspicious of everyone around her, and afraid to get treatment for her mental illness. Another is taking medicine for her physical symptoms but may not ever get treatment for her mental problems. Another one, a man, has a good government job now and probably can't get fired from it, so no matter how much he forgets to bathe, brush his teeth and comb his hair, he'll be able to put on airs that he's some sort of masters-level intellectual indefinitely. Another man, who's 36 years old now, will be a dependent for his sister or his mother for the rest of their lives, and who knows where he'll live or what he'll do or if he'll have any more violent outbursts. Since he's been arrested, the legal system is keeping track of him, so perhaps that will force his hand when it comes to diagnosis and treatment.
I don't know what the solution to all the crazies out there is, but I've gotta say: I know I can't fix them!
I hope this note finds you well. Have a great week!
Jane
Here is what I mean. In the last few years, I've been getting SCHOOLED in dealing with people with mental disorders. It must be a lesson I have to learn, something karmic that I need to understand. Whatever the reason, it's happened over and over, and the only thing I really understand about it is that I can't handle crazy people. Shunning them is an act of self-preservation. And yet, when I read the news and see the horrible things that crazy people do, I can't help but wonder: should I be trying to help them more? At the expense of my own mental health?
Here is the answer I keep coming back to: NO.
Years ago, I embarked on a meditation experiment based on Lovingkindness Meditation. There is a book by Sharon Salzberg if you'd like to check it out. Basically, it uses 4 phrases for you to wish yourself and others well:
May I be free from danger
May I have physical happiness
May I have mental happiness
May I have ease of well-being
Substitute "I" for "you" or "we" as time progresses. First, focus on yourself, wishing yourself these things. Then, focus on a friend. Then, a stranger. Finally, a "challenging person." When you have covered all the bases, the question posed is, if you were in a situation where someone's life would be lost, who would you choose? Would you sacrifice yourself or choose another? The answer is that each life is equal after the exercise, and it's impossible to choose.
So... crazies. I had one last year who wanted to relay to me all the adventures she'd had stalking a guy who was possibly mildly interested in her, at the expense of her estranged husband and confused young children, over a number of states. Somehow, a decade ago, she'd taken on the responsibility of being a wife and mother without really committing to it, and now she was feeling like she'd missed something big and envied my single, never-married life (Snort! Scoff! I told her from the start that she had a house full of people who loved her, and I didn't have anything like that. It pales in comparison to being able to finish a book in a timely manner, which she seemed to want a whole lot).
One day, I interrupted one of her soliloquies (So I saw him in traffic, and he wasn't where he said he was supposed to be, so I followed him, and it looked like he went to so-and-so's house, which I didn't like and why didn't he tell me? Then later, at 9:53, he posted a comment on Facebook to his OLD GIRLFRIEND some flirty thing about whatever, and I was like WHOA, man, what are you doing? What about our relationship?) I was starting to suspect that their "relationship" was mostly a figment of her imagination supplemented by stalking (did I mention she's quit her job and moved several states over to "date"this guy?) So I said, "Stop, stop, stop, I can't listen to this anymore. I just can't do it. I don't have the energy to listen to this. I need to take care of myself."
Later on, she did something that I can only describe as "throw my sister under the bus." That was when I bowed out entirely, and said I needed a break from hearing from her. (Honestly, when I get to that point, I am done with someone since I'm such a champion grudge-holder, but I didn't want to sound so final.)
Last night, my "sister" asked me if I am in touch at all with the person described above. I told her no.
We hear all the time that people who walk into a room with a weapon like a knife or a gun and murder a bunch of school children are insane and socially isolated. And I must admit that I am responsible for isolating some people who've come in to my life and tried to latch on to me.
I remember something Wayne Dyer wrote: that people at the same level of consciousness tend to migrate toward each other and befriend each other. Sometimes you have to bid farewell to certain friends/people whose energy pulls you down to move forward in life.
I once looked at the tableau of people blowing up my cell phone, who were spouting things to me like: "Pay attention to me! I need your attention! Listen to my drama! Let me talk you out of having any goals in life so I won't feel inadequate! Let me bring you down with my crappy attitude! Let me try to turn you against someone else we know by harping on all of his/her terrible qualities! And if you don't let me do any and all of these things, you are a bad person! Shame on you! My drama and I need attention and YOU are a bad friend if you don't want to pay attention!"
It occurred to me that Wayne Dyer doesn't hang out with people hooked on prescription drugs who wallow in their depression and make their friends feel bad about trying to improve their lives. Wayne Dyer doesn't hang out with mentally unhealthy people who are in denial and refuse to have their illnesses treated. Wayne Dyer and most ex-Catholics understand what low-level weapons guilt and shame can be.
I've had to let several people go, with well wishes. I wonder what they are doing now, although I don't want to check in on them! I suspect one is in a house full of junk and garbage, getting old before her time, suspicious of everyone around her, and afraid to get treatment for her mental illness. Another is taking medicine for her physical symptoms but may not ever get treatment for her mental problems. Another one, a man, has a good government job now and probably can't get fired from it, so no matter how much he forgets to bathe, brush his teeth and comb his hair, he'll be able to put on airs that he's some sort of masters-level intellectual indefinitely. Another man, who's 36 years old now, will be a dependent for his sister or his mother for the rest of their lives, and who knows where he'll live or what he'll do or if he'll have any more violent outbursts. Since he's been arrested, the legal system is keeping track of him, so perhaps that will force his hand when it comes to diagnosis and treatment.
I don't know what the solution to all the crazies out there is, but I've gotta say: I know I can't fix them!
I hope this note finds you well. Have a great week!
Jane
Sunday, 30 December 2012
Hilarity has ensued
Top of the morning to you, friends, and happy new year! 2013 promises to be a great new challenge and adventure!
I am learning more, each day, about my new relationship. I am amazed that things are going as well as they are. I used to half-jokingly say, "I can't date under these conditions!" but the truth was, I haven't had this much raw material to work with in a long time. Astrologer Susan Miller wrote an article about how we had Neptune in Aquarius for 14 years; it just moved to Pisces in February 2012. Anyway, it turned matchmaking into a business and people's skills, youth, earnings, and appearance in the personal realm into currency. She interviewed someone from a major business (like eHarmony or Match) who said that they could do so much more for their members to help them find compatible people rather than just fling hundreds of single people's profiles at them. I tried that, and I didn't like it. It seemed so meaningless and pointless. I remember the dropoff of fun in the dating realm that I observed back in 1998. Yes, 1998. And that's when Neptune moved into Aquarius.
Of course, my past boyfriends have fallen into a few categories: motivated at work and posting for jobs away from me, without consulting me or including me in their plans; up-front about not planning a future with me, and being some sort of hiking buddy/ dining companion; and there was, famously, that crazy one who wanted to be my economic dependent. He was the one most interested in marriage (of course).
But it's a new day and a new relationship, and now I have someone who is dependable and kind and wonderful who wants to share his future with me. Of course, we live near different oceans. But I figure, in a way, that it's better to start out apart and figure out how to be together than go about things in the seemingly rational but totally ineffective way I dated locally before. Besides, it's quality of time, not quantity. I'd rather be with him than go out into the dating world.
A good friend of mine from the old days, whom I saw on Christmas Eve, listened to my explanation of why I'm dating someone 3 time zones away, and said to me, "Well, you're supposed to find someone so that you don't have to date anymore." Like it was the easiest thing in the world to do. Said like a Smug Married from the Bridget Jones books. I mean, duh.
I remember reading this article about Neptune in Pisces early this year and discussing it with Diva. I know I said, "I don't believe it. Dating has sucked for me for 15 years. I can't believe it will ever do anything but keep on sucking."
So, you can imagine what a shock this is. I have to basically embrace a new reality to figure out my future with Mr. Wonderful.
It really is the end of the world! ;)
Love,
Jane
I am learning more, each day, about my new relationship. I am amazed that things are going as well as they are. I used to half-jokingly say, "I can't date under these conditions!" but the truth was, I haven't had this much raw material to work with in a long time. Astrologer Susan Miller wrote an article about how we had Neptune in Aquarius for 14 years; it just moved to Pisces in February 2012. Anyway, it turned matchmaking into a business and people's skills, youth, earnings, and appearance in the personal realm into currency. She interviewed someone from a major business (like eHarmony or Match) who said that they could do so much more for their members to help them find compatible people rather than just fling hundreds of single people's profiles at them. I tried that, and I didn't like it. It seemed so meaningless and pointless. I remember the dropoff of fun in the dating realm that I observed back in 1998. Yes, 1998. And that's when Neptune moved into Aquarius.
Of course, my past boyfriends have fallen into a few categories: motivated at work and posting for jobs away from me, without consulting me or including me in their plans; up-front about not planning a future with me, and being some sort of hiking buddy/ dining companion; and there was, famously, that crazy one who wanted to be my economic dependent. He was the one most interested in marriage (of course).
But it's a new day and a new relationship, and now I have someone who is dependable and kind and wonderful who wants to share his future with me. Of course, we live near different oceans. But I figure, in a way, that it's better to start out apart and figure out how to be together than go about things in the seemingly rational but totally ineffective way I dated locally before. Besides, it's quality of time, not quantity. I'd rather be with him than go out into the dating world.
A good friend of mine from the old days, whom I saw on Christmas Eve, listened to my explanation of why I'm dating someone 3 time zones away, and said to me, "Well, you're supposed to find someone so that you don't have to date anymore." Like it was the easiest thing in the world to do. Said like a Smug Married from the Bridget Jones books. I mean, duh.
I remember reading this article about Neptune in Pisces early this year and discussing it with Diva. I know I said, "I don't believe it. Dating has sucked for me for 15 years. I can't believe it will ever do anything but keep on sucking."
So, you can imagine what a shock this is. I have to basically embrace a new reality to figure out my future with Mr. Wonderful.
It really is the end of the world! ;)
Love,
Jane
Saturday, 3 November 2012
So, is it "ask and you shall receive" or "askin' ain't gettin"?
Diva and I have bonded over the fact that on the one hand, things are out in the world for your taking, and on the other hand, there are people and situations that like to play keep-away with you.
Right now, I'm dating someone who is truly generous and kind. It sounds great, but let me tell you, it takes some getting used to. How am I supposed to transition from relationships where I felt like I was some inconvenience to the guy to being in a relationship where he actually wants to know how I'm doing? The answer, of course, is to transition as gracefully as possible.
Due to some health setbacks and subsequent pharmaceutical intake this year (doctor-supervised, of course), I have only some fuzzy memories of dating before now, but unlike the pictures, which have faded, the feelings are still with me.
One of my exes (Tim), who is a good guy in all fairness, called me up a few weeks ago. He was traveling through town and wanted to meet for lunch, so we did. It was the first time he'd ever driven to me. In all the time we dated, I always had to go to his house. Given, his truck was twice as expensive to gas up as my car, and I worked in his town anyway, so I was already there all the time, but it was always up to me to go see him. (In time, he became too immobilized to send me a text or call; our dating relationship kind of evaporated.) Contrast this with my current beau, who got on a plane to come see me. He rented a car, booked a place for us to stay in a beautiful town by the coast, and showed up. Excuse me, what? Men are capable of doing such things? Yes, apparently they are, when they are motivated.
Once upon a time, when I was dating Iceberg, I tried to hang on to a dying relationship by moving closer to where he'd relocated for work. It wasn't a total disaster... well, as far as our relationship went it was, but I had other things and people there so there was somewhere I could turn for fun and friendship. Instead of being greeted upon my arrival, he angrily talked into his phone about how he had to work the next day and didn't have time to come see me. He didn't invite me to come see him, although I had nothing to do for the week before school started. He didn't want anything to do with me. I don't remember if we had any awkward encounters or not after I arrived (blame the pharmaceuticals) but I remember feeling very much turned away. We were kaput a few weeks after that.
His roommate, whom we can call St. Adam because he was just that nice, said to me when the relationship was falling apart, "This just isn't right. If my girlfriend were here, I'd want to spend time with her. I'd get off the couch and leave the video games alone. It comes down to... social skills." St. Adam was the first person to use the phrase "social skills" in regular conversation with me, but he wasn't the last. I sent St. Adam a present when he got married; I'm sure he is a great husband. He called me to say thanks, and when I asked (out of obligation) how Iceberg was doing, he said, "Oh, he's right where you left him, playing video games on the couch."
I knew how to pick some winners, but of course they never started out that way. I had more than one person say to me that it was my own lack of imagination, my lack of asking for what I wanted, that was the root of the problem. The reason why I kept attracting these lame guys was because I just didn't have the imaginative capacity to know what it was like to be with a good one.
Now just because I can't give you an exact description doesn't mean I won't know it when I see it. I fell IN LOVE with my car, for example, the first time I saw it; had to have it. If you'd asked me the week before what kind of car I wanted, would I have described it exactly as it ended up being? No. That's the issue I have with all this mumbo-jumbo. I've met a few friends over the course of my life who've made an instant and great impression on me, and as I got to know them, I realized how easy it was to spend time with them, and how loving and cool they were in return. I didn't go into those situations with mental images or drawings of who I would meet or having rehearsed in meditation what it would feel like to meet a great person. I showed up, and there they were. I think that's really simple.
And then we have to tackle the opposite issue. If "ask and you shall receive" works so well, then what about "askin' ain't gettin"? I borrowed this from Gone with the Wind; it's one of my favorite movies. Excuse me, I am not a world-famous novelist married to a rock star, having retired from a madcap dancing career as a Radio City Music Hall Rockette. That is the only future I envisioned for myself when I was younger. Sure, maybe I could have been an actress instead of a Rockette. Perhaps I could have ended up with Daniel Craig instead of a rock star. But you get the gist of it, right? I didn't think beyond 1) having a glamourous life and 2) what life would be like after age 35. But there you have it- here we are. My life is not glamourous. Up until recently, I spent time dating guys who were incapable of sending a text or making a phone call after a few months of dating. The torpor would take them over and they'd just kind of get sucked into the couch or whatever.
And I'm left wondering, does it come down to the raw materials? Some people stand the test of time and others don't. It's not a judgment, just an observation. Some relationships grow out of a mutual desire to be friends, to know each other better, to spend time together. Others that don't need to be weeded out over time. Now, I don't mean to sound high-maintenance about it, as in, "I just can't work under these conditions!" But sometimes, you just don't have enough raw materials to make something.
And sometimes you do. But now the lesson I have to learn is, what do you do when he actually wants to be a part of your life? How exactly does that work?
Yours,
Jane
Right now, I'm dating someone who is truly generous and kind. It sounds great, but let me tell you, it takes some getting used to. How am I supposed to transition from relationships where I felt like I was some inconvenience to the guy to being in a relationship where he actually wants to know how I'm doing? The answer, of course, is to transition as gracefully as possible.
Due to some health setbacks and subsequent pharmaceutical intake this year (doctor-supervised, of course), I have only some fuzzy memories of dating before now, but unlike the pictures, which have faded, the feelings are still with me.
One of my exes (Tim), who is a good guy in all fairness, called me up a few weeks ago. He was traveling through town and wanted to meet for lunch, so we did. It was the first time he'd ever driven to me. In all the time we dated, I always had to go to his house. Given, his truck was twice as expensive to gas up as my car, and I worked in his town anyway, so I was already there all the time, but it was always up to me to go see him. (In time, he became too immobilized to send me a text or call; our dating relationship kind of evaporated.) Contrast this with my current beau, who got on a plane to come see me. He rented a car, booked a place for us to stay in a beautiful town by the coast, and showed up. Excuse me, what? Men are capable of doing such things? Yes, apparently they are, when they are motivated.
Once upon a time, when I was dating Iceberg, I tried to hang on to a dying relationship by moving closer to where he'd relocated for work. It wasn't a total disaster... well, as far as our relationship went it was, but I had other things and people there so there was somewhere I could turn for fun and friendship. Instead of being greeted upon my arrival, he angrily talked into his phone about how he had to work the next day and didn't have time to come see me. He didn't invite me to come see him, although I had nothing to do for the week before school started. He didn't want anything to do with me. I don't remember if we had any awkward encounters or not after I arrived (blame the pharmaceuticals) but I remember feeling very much turned away. We were kaput a few weeks after that.
His roommate, whom we can call St. Adam because he was just that nice, said to me when the relationship was falling apart, "This just isn't right. If my girlfriend were here, I'd want to spend time with her. I'd get off the couch and leave the video games alone. It comes down to... social skills." St. Adam was the first person to use the phrase "social skills" in regular conversation with me, but he wasn't the last. I sent St. Adam a present when he got married; I'm sure he is a great husband. He called me to say thanks, and when I asked (out of obligation) how Iceberg was doing, he said, "Oh, he's right where you left him, playing video games on the couch."
I knew how to pick some winners, but of course they never started out that way. I had more than one person say to me that it was my own lack of imagination, my lack of asking for what I wanted, that was the root of the problem. The reason why I kept attracting these lame guys was because I just didn't have the imaginative capacity to know what it was like to be with a good one.
Now just because I can't give you an exact description doesn't mean I won't know it when I see it. I fell IN LOVE with my car, for example, the first time I saw it; had to have it. If you'd asked me the week before what kind of car I wanted, would I have described it exactly as it ended up being? No. That's the issue I have with all this mumbo-jumbo. I've met a few friends over the course of my life who've made an instant and great impression on me, and as I got to know them, I realized how easy it was to spend time with them, and how loving and cool they were in return. I didn't go into those situations with mental images or drawings of who I would meet or having rehearsed in meditation what it would feel like to meet a great person. I showed up, and there they were. I think that's really simple.
And then we have to tackle the opposite issue. If "ask and you shall receive" works so well, then what about "askin' ain't gettin"? I borrowed this from Gone with the Wind; it's one of my favorite movies. Excuse me, I am not a world-famous novelist married to a rock star, having retired from a madcap dancing career as a Radio City Music Hall Rockette. That is the only future I envisioned for myself when I was younger. Sure, maybe I could have been an actress instead of a Rockette. Perhaps I could have ended up with Daniel Craig instead of a rock star. But you get the gist of it, right? I didn't think beyond 1) having a glamourous life and 2) what life would be like after age 35. But there you have it- here we are. My life is not glamourous. Up until recently, I spent time dating guys who were incapable of sending a text or making a phone call after a few months of dating. The torpor would take them over and they'd just kind of get sucked into the couch or whatever.
And I'm left wondering, does it come down to the raw materials? Some people stand the test of time and others don't. It's not a judgment, just an observation. Some relationships grow out of a mutual desire to be friends, to know each other better, to spend time together. Others that don't need to be weeded out over time. Now, I don't mean to sound high-maintenance about it, as in, "I just can't work under these conditions!" But sometimes, you just don't have enough raw materials to make something.
And sometimes you do. But now the lesson I have to learn is, what do you do when he actually wants to be a part of your life? How exactly does that work?
Yours,
Jane
Saturday, 6 October 2012
What is love? Baby, don't hurt me, don't hurt me no more...
Diva and I have talked a lot about love lately. There's been a lot to discuss, whether it's my foray back into dating (with imported talented based somewhere else- he is a fantastic guy and very easy to love) or her dream about a connection she had with someone years ago.
She can tell you about the dream, if she wants. I've asked her to write about it, whether it's on this blog or just in her own personal journal. But I can tell you about my newest adventure.
I'm having an undefined relationship (he calls it "trying to date from across the country" and other such things) with an old crush of mine. We met when we were about 16 and 18, respectively. I liked him then, but in retrospect I was probably a bit hot-headed back in those days and wanted to be independent no matter what. Maybe it's good that we didn't date when I was younger; I don't know. By now, we have both mellowed out considerably. He is divorced and I have never married, although I've had a few long relationships that always ended up with me being single again (and sometimes shouting, "Free at last!")
During the ride through the wringer called 2012 (so far), which has included over 2 months of illness, financial woes, numerous work problems, and storm damage to my property (worth half of what I paid for it), I decided it was time to just hang my problems out to dry. It's just gotten to the point where life is ridiculous and impossible to take seriously. If I try to solve all of these problems on my own, I'm just going to give myself a heart attack or an ulcer or something else that will make me miss work, lose out on earnings as well as happiness, and generally not enjoy life. So, I'm taking what I think is a wise approach: making time to see or talk to friends as often as I can, doing what I can to handle the issues at work and with my money, and having as many lost weekends as possible. I think it's best for my own sanity.
One such lost weekend took place with my beau recently. I could not have scripted any more fun than what we had. I know, after 20 years, that he's changed, but in a way he's exactly who he was. That doesn't get lost as you age. It seems that he has more words for what's going on than I do. I just told him, "I like you a lot. And that's all I've got!" meaning I don't know what else to say about it.
But in the realms of what is considered to be traditional love, one of my siblings was engaged to be married this week. I am happy for both of them. They've had a short courtship but I don't see any reason to worry about that. Love is love. I'm happy that they are both excited about taking the plunge.
Finally, you can't talk about love without talking about love beyond one's life. A good friend of mine lost her dog this week. She is upset, to say the least. She is friends with a medium, who was able to see the dog on the other side with my friend's grandmother. While that is comforting, it doesn't take away the loss of the animal in your life.
In Don Juan DeMarco, our boyfriend Johnny Depp's character said this about love: There are only four questions of value in life, Don Octavio. What is sacred? Of what is the spirit made? What is worth living for, and what is worth dying for? The answer to each is the same: only love.
Ahhhh, love.
Have a great weekend!
-Jane
She can tell you about the dream, if she wants. I've asked her to write about it, whether it's on this blog or just in her own personal journal. But I can tell you about my newest adventure.
I'm having an undefined relationship (he calls it "trying to date from across the country" and other such things) with an old crush of mine. We met when we were about 16 and 18, respectively. I liked him then, but in retrospect I was probably a bit hot-headed back in those days and wanted to be independent no matter what. Maybe it's good that we didn't date when I was younger; I don't know. By now, we have both mellowed out considerably. He is divorced and I have never married, although I've had a few long relationships that always ended up with me being single again (and sometimes shouting, "Free at last!")
During the ride through the wringer called 2012 (so far), which has included over 2 months of illness, financial woes, numerous work problems, and storm damage to my property (worth half of what I paid for it), I decided it was time to just hang my problems out to dry. It's just gotten to the point where life is ridiculous and impossible to take seriously. If I try to solve all of these problems on my own, I'm just going to give myself a heart attack or an ulcer or something else that will make me miss work, lose out on earnings as well as happiness, and generally not enjoy life. So, I'm taking what I think is a wise approach: making time to see or talk to friends as often as I can, doing what I can to handle the issues at work and with my money, and having as many lost weekends as possible. I think it's best for my own sanity.
One such lost weekend took place with my beau recently. I could not have scripted any more fun than what we had. I know, after 20 years, that he's changed, but in a way he's exactly who he was. That doesn't get lost as you age. It seems that he has more words for what's going on than I do. I just told him, "I like you a lot. And that's all I've got!" meaning I don't know what else to say about it.
But in the realms of what is considered to be traditional love, one of my siblings was engaged to be married this week. I am happy for both of them. They've had a short courtship but I don't see any reason to worry about that. Love is love. I'm happy that they are both excited about taking the plunge.
Finally, you can't talk about love without talking about love beyond one's life. A good friend of mine lost her dog this week. She is upset, to say the least. She is friends with a medium, who was able to see the dog on the other side with my friend's grandmother. While that is comforting, it doesn't take away the loss of the animal in your life.
In Don Juan DeMarco, our boyfriend Johnny Depp's character said this about love: There are only four questions of value in life, Don Octavio. What is sacred? Of what is the spirit made? What is worth living for, and what is worth dying for? The answer to each is the same: only love.
Ahhhh, love.
Have a great weekend!
-Jane
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)