If you've walked on this earth for any amount of time, you probably have a person you think of as that person. This is the person you hope you don't see at the supermarket, or at the movies, or school. A glimpse of someone who looks like that person might send you scrambling for the toilet paper aisle or purposefully digging through your purse, as if you just realized you have to find something there, not look around at the people around you because that person might try to engage.
Having relocated miles away from most people who are familiar to me, I don't have awkward run-ins at the store, or at a bar the night before Thanksgiving, like I used to. I did write about one earlier this year (see post from May 4)- and actually there were a few that weekend, but I highly suspect that the other run-ins were with dopplegangers, not the actual people:
Sorry, All Your Turns Have Been Used Up...
You want to talk about awkward encounters? Yep, there are plenty to be had, with people like that person whom you don't want to see.
What brought this to mind today was someone in a store; she looked like my version of that person and for a second, I tensed up. That person was very judgmental of me and happened to be about 8 years older than myself. She didn't seem able to have a peer-to-peer relationship with me. Instead, she desperately wanted to mentor me, even though our work and our goals were different and (important point coming up here!) I didn't ask her to mentor me. Imagine how that became awkward. Mmm hmm. I introduced her to another friend of mine, younger than me by about 7 years, and that friend assessed that person by saying, "She likes to act like she's in charge, huh?" Talk about awkward!
The pinnacle of our awkward interactions took place when she informed me of the following:
1) I was wasting my life in my current situation (working, trying to save money, going on vacations, spending time with friends, enjoying hobbies, etc.)
2) What I needed was to have a baby
3) I needed to have a baby with my ex-boyfriend or possibly a sperm donor
4) And she swore she'd help with the baby! Once or twice a year she'd drop by to play with it!
5) She'd talked over her feelings about what I should do with my life with her therapist, and they decided she really couldn't hold back anymore. She needed to speak her peace.
I offer this as Exhibit A for the awkward moments that ensue when you reach your late thirties without a husband or potential husband. I would have started offering exhibits earlier, as there are many to choose from, but I just got inspired today, so here's the first one.
Friends, like every other person on earth, I've had to admit that certain opportunities haven't been open to me, and I've had to adjust my life. My first goal was to be a Rockette, but I didn't grow to be 5 foot 6 inches. Sure, I had a great high kick back in the day, but as a short person, it did me no good.
I suppose I could have gone after every girlfriend I had over 5 foot 6 inches to nag them about becoming Rockettes, (you should do this, I'd tell them, because I NEVER HAD THE CHANCE!) but this wasn't something any of them wanted.
Likewise, perhaps that person could have had a baby when she was late 30s/ early 40s with some transient person in her life. Perhaps she regrets not being a mother now that menopause is starting. However, she neglected to realize that 1) adoption is possible at most ages; 2) I didn't want to have a baby with my ex-boyfriend; 3) it's not really fair to swoop in and tell other people how to live their lives.
So there you go, friends. Awkward moments with people, brought to you by Jane Q. Phoenix.
On a different note, I hope you all have a safe and wonderful new year's celebration and a FABULOUS 2014!
Love,
Jane
http://lifeandpocketchange.blogspot.com/2013/05/sorry-all-your-turns-have-been-used-up.html
Monday, 30 December 2013
Monday, 23 December 2013
Dream Journal 12/23/13: Making a Boy Cry
I finally got through to someone last night. This person was crying and upset because he finally understood how his behavior has affected others.
It was a dream, naturally. This person is so hard-headed that to explain anything to him requires the patience of a saint, which I don't happen to possess. Our relationship over the years has been difficult because he likes to be outspoken and more times than not, I didn't ask for his opinion. So, to summarize, I identify more with an introvert personality type, while he is extroverted. Even our choices of what we do for a living are very different, and of course that's by design.
Of course, when you have a longstanding friendship with someone, you let things slide. You let bygones be bygones. You figure out what to avoid talking about so that you can get along.
I don't remember the details of the dream, but I do recall the ending because it is freshest in my mind. He was crying. I've never seen him cry in real life. He cried because I told him that he was insensitive to his single friends. Several people I know act like finding someone to spend the rest of your life with is super easy, like you can get it done before breakfast in most cases.
Friends, I am engaged for the first time and 40 years old. At a time when most people are thinking about how to spend their midlife crises, I am blooming later than average. I realize that for the rest of Generation X, this isn't so odd, but for the older people in my life, and for the Xers who found love in high school and college, engaged/married life is old hat, something they started 10 to 15 years ago.
I've noticed that these "smug marrieds" (as Bridget Jones named them) tend to forget the pain of rejection, the angst of meeting someone and doing all that work just to find out if that person is even available, the awkwardness of having to fly solo to weddings, class reunions, and so forth, and the judgment of people around you who wonder what's wrong with you, what prevents you from being paired off like the rest of the planet.
My subconscious hides most of the details from me, so I don't even know how I got through to him, but I did. I woke up while the dream was still happening, and the poor boy was crying. Crying!
Friends, be nice to single people. Don't be that smug and judgmental jerk who belittles them. I spent many years being single and some of the closest people to me still are.
Merry Christmas too, darlings.
Love,
Jane Q. Phoenix
It was a dream, naturally. This person is so hard-headed that to explain anything to him requires the patience of a saint, which I don't happen to possess. Our relationship over the years has been difficult because he likes to be outspoken and more times than not, I didn't ask for his opinion. So, to summarize, I identify more with an introvert personality type, while he is extroverted. Even our choices of what we do for a living are very different, and of course that's by design.
Of course, when you have a longstanding friendship with someone, you let things slide. You let bygones be bygones. You figure out what to avoid talking about so that you can get along.
I don't remember the details of the dream, but I do recall the ending because it is freshest in my mind. He was crying. I've never seen him cry in real life. He cried because I told him that he was insensitive to his single friends. Several people I know act like finding someone to spend the rest of your life with is super easy, like you can get it done before breakfast in most cases.
Friends, I am engaged for the first time and 40 years old. At a time when most people are thinking about how to spend their midlife crises, I am blooming later than average. I realize that for the rest of Generation X, this isn't so odd, but for the older people in my life, and for the Xers who found love in high school and college, engaged/married life is old hat, something they started 10 to 15 years ago.
I've noticed that these "smug marrieds" (as Bridget Jones named them) tend to forget the pain of rejection, the angst of meeting someone and doing all that work just to find out if that person is even available, the awkwardness of having to fly solo to weddings, class reunions, and so forth, and the judgment of people around you who wonder what's wrong with you, what prevents you from being paired off like the rest of the planet.
My subconscious hides most of the details from me, so I don't even know how I got through to him, but I did. I woke up while the dream was still happening, and the poor boy was crying. Crying!
Friends, be nice to single people. Don't be that smug and judgmental jerk who belittles them. I spent many years being single and some of the closest people to me still are.
Merry Christmas too, darlings.
Love,
Jane Q. Phoenix
Monday, 16 December 2013
Work, and More Work
Friends, I am working on 2 things simultaneously:
1) finishing my book, which is co-authored by the Dancing Diva with her rapier wit and witty commentary. She's worked on the first few sections and I need to get it done so she can sprinkle her shennanigans on all of the sections. Along with that, there's researching a publisher, figuring out what deal is best, reading online reviews from other authors, finding an editor, and sheesh! There aren't enough hours in the day, even for this relatively unemployed person.
2) looking for a new job, preferably where I will be surrounded by fellow nerds. I hit the jackpot today with 2 postings that looked spot-on for me, not even 6 miles from the apartment- and since I'm in a Large Metropolitan Area now, this is a major consideration. There are other companies that talk about "synergies" and such on their websites, that sound a bit flaky, and then there are the companies that cater to nerdlike interests like energy-efficient engineering, rocket science, and whatever. I like the workplaces where the nerds congregate... I'm sure there are a lot of reasons for that but really it's a birds of a feather thing, and this phoenix is a bit of a nerd herself.
Oh and there's also the finding my way around a new area of the country, preparing for the holidays, and attempting to live in a relatively stress-free manner with my future husband. Ha ha ha ha ha. That exhausts me, just reading it.
Anyway, back to the writing! My job posts are done for the day.
I hope this note finds all of you well. Happy holidays!
-Jane
1) finishing my book, which is co-authored by the Dancing Diva with her rapier wit and witty commentary. She's worked on the first few sections and I need to get it done so she can sprinkle her shennanigans on all of the sections. Along with that, there's researching a publisher, figuring out what deal is best, reading online reviews from other authors, finding an editor, and sheesh! There aren't enough hours in the day, even for this relatively unemployed person.
2) looking for a new job, preferably where I will be surrounded by fellow nerds. I hit the jackpot today with 2 postings that looked spot-on for me, not even 6 miles from the apartment- and since I'm in a Large Metropolitan Area now, this is a major consideration. There are other companies that talk about "synergies" and such on their websites, that sound a bit flaky, and then there are the companies that cater to nerdlike interests like energy-efficient engineering, rocket science, and whatever. I like the workplaces where the nerds congregate... I'm sure there are a lot of reasons for that but really it's a birds of a feather thing, and this phoenix is a bit of a nerd herself.
Oh and there's also the finding my way around a new area of the country, preparing for the holidays, and attempting to live in a relatively stress-free manner with my future husband. Ha ha ha ha ha. That exhausts me, just reading it.
Anyway, back to the writing! My job posts are done for the day.
I hope this note finds all of you well. Happy holidays!
-Jane
Friday, 29 November 2013
If the road to hell is paved with good intentions, then...
The road to a new life is paved with the bricks that you poop out in the process of reinventing your new life! (I've offered a relative some bricks to line her garden. I figure if I poop them all out, they should match and look lovely edging her garden, no?)
Hi everyone. Jane here. I'm going through every bit of my stuff- all my books, clothing, stuff, even shoes! and figuring out what stays, what goes to my new home, and what goes to the thrift store or gets sold.
And yes, it would be easier to go to an office and work all day long than stay home and do this!
In situations like this, though, you have to keep your eyes on the prize. There's only been a few other times in my life when I was able to move somewhere and leave the old life behind, as I'm doing now. It's extremely exciting. I'm over the moon to have this opportunity to move to a totally new place and have new adventures. It goes without saying that my old life of poverty, before I sold my house, is a faint memory and a lot of lessons learned. I couldn't have anything close to the prosperity I have now with something like that weighing me down- and when I mention prosperity I mean both material and non-material.
For all the times that I've found myself stuck in life- due in part to my own and others' good intentions no doubt- there has been the payout that comes with getting unstuck and moving forward.
Many people I've met this year and last year, or whom I've lived with or worked with, have each been both a blessing and a person I may not see much of in the future. I hope this doesn't sound too callous; it's not that I don't care about them. It's just that I'm in a transitional phase and these friendly faces will not follow me to my next destination in life; however, they may make cameo appearances every now and again.
I'm pondering all these concepts, although what I'm really doing is prolonging this period of time before I cook breakfast and organize all of the clothing in my wardrobe. Sigh!
Love, and happy Thanksgiving!
Jane Q. Phoenix
Hi everyone. Jane here. I'm going through every bit of my stuff- all my books, clothing, stuff, even shoes! and figuring out what stays, what goes to my new home, and what goes to the thrift store or gets sold.
And yes, it would be easier to go to an office and work all day long than stay home and do this!
In situations like this, though, you have to keep your eyes on the prize. There's only been a few other times in my life when I was able to move somewhere and leave the old life behind, as I'm doing now. It's extremely exciting. I'm over the moon to have this opportunity to move to a totally new place and have new adventures. It goes without saying that my old life of poverty, before I sold my house, is a faint memory and a lot of lessons learned. I couldn't have anything close to the prosperity I have now with something like that weighing me down- and when I mention prosperity I mean both material and non-material.
For all the times that I've found myself stuck in life- due in part to my own and others' good intentions no doubt- there has been the payout that comes with getting unstuck and moving forward.
Many people I've met this year and last year, or whom I've lived with or worked with, have each been both a blessing and a person I may not see much of in the future. I hope this doesn't sound too callous; it's not that I don't care about them. It's just that I'm in a transitional phase and these friendly faces will not follow me to my next destination in life; however, they may make cameo appearances every now and again.
I'm pondering all these concepts, although what I'm really doing is prolonging this period of time before I cook breakfast and organize all of the clothing in my wardrobe. Sigh!
Love, and happy Thanksgiving!
Jane Q. Phoenix
Sunday, 3 November 2013
My friend got lost about a year ago
In all the flurry of getting engaged to Future Husband, sharing a really bad cold, and trying to keep up with all my daily demands- cooking, working, cleaning my clothes so that I have something to wear to work- I forgot to email a good friend of his whom I'm connected to on Face Book to warn her that I was going to drop the "FH and I are engaged!" bomb.
She didn't actually mind. She sent FH a pretty amusing text about it, actually. It started out with, "What the hell?" and ended with "Congratulations!"
I emailed her and apologized. She was cool about it, and didn't say much more about it, but she did ask me, "Have you heard from A?"
A is our friend from high school. I knew A in college and loved her. She was a bit like the cartoon Daria, full of acerbic wit and hilarious stories too. We hung out a few times in college but not much.
A moved up to the Northeast years ago. She's an extremely talented writer with, I think, a masters degree in something along that vein.
This recession has dragged on for years and affected her livelihood at least once (probably more than once). I know she had 90-day notice for losing her job last year, and that's when her blog posts ended. That's when she stopped logging in to Face Book, too. Her 40th birthday came and went without a comment from her, although many of her friends wished her well.
She is missing. In this age where everyone is online, I can understand the lure of avoiding it, but with her admitted problems with depression, it is worrisome. Our friend has noticed, and asked me if I've heard from her, but I haven't. I did exchange emails with her for a while, and send her job search websites that I'd discovered in my recessionary journey that pertain to Florida only, where I've lived. I told her she could use my house and drive to wherever she needed to go to interview, back when I had a house. She never took me up on my offer, which was fine because jobs were hard to come by in Florida and I wouldn't blame her for wanting to live somewhere with seasons and without oppressive heat.
Still, we worry. And we hope that she is fine, wherever she is. If we hear from her, I will let you know.
Love,
Jane
She didn't actually mind. She sent FH a pretty amusing text about it, actually. It started out with, "What the hell?" and ended with "Congratulations!"
I emailed her and apologized. She was cool about it, and didn't say much more about it, but she did ask me, "Have you heard from A?"
A is our friend from high school. I knew A in college and loved her. She was a bit like the cartoon Daria, full of acerbic wit and hilarious stories too. We hung out a few times in college but not much.
A moved up to the Northeast years ago. She's an extremely talented writer with, I think, a masters degree in something along that vein.
This recession has dragged on for years and affected her livelihood at least once (probably more than once). I know she had 90-day notice for losing her job last year, and that's when her blog posts ended. That's when she stopped logging in to Face Book, too. Her 40th birthday came and went without a comment from her, although many of her friends wished her well.
She is missing. In this age where everyone is online, I can understand the lure of avoiding it, but with her admitted problems with depression, it is worrisome. Our friend has noticed, and asked me if I've heard from her, but I haven't. I did exchange emails with her for a while, and send her job search websites that I'd discovered in my recessionary journey that pertain to Florida only, where I've lived. I told her she could use my house and drive to wherever she needed to go to interview, back when I had a house. She never took me up on my offer, which was fine because jobs were hard to come by in Florida and I wouldn't blame her for wanting to live somewhere with seasons and without oppressive heat.
Still, we worry. And we hope that she is fine, wherever she is. If we hear from her, I will let you know.
Love,
Jane
Saturday, 2 November 2013
Those people back in Shakespeare's time were right about bile
I had some blood work done a few months ago, and my doctor's office actually called me afterwards to warn me about my liver functioning. The levels were off. The lady I spoke with on the phone said, "Ms. Phoenix, you really need to stop drinking!" Well, I haven't had a drink in a long time, and maybe two or three all this year. It wasn't alcohol that was the problem. It was headache meds.
My illness left some residual issues- namely, headaches. And while I am deprived of salt, alcohol, and anything with caffeine in it, including chocolate, I told myself that there were 3 things I could have as much as I wanted:
1) online shopping
2) desserts
3) headache meds
Unfortunately, a lot of headache medicines have acetomenaphen, which is the active ingredient in Tylenol. Stuff like Nyquil, Dayquil, Tylenol 3, etc. Little did I know it was shredding my liver, which I need for like 50 more years, so that day when I got the "stop drinking" phone call, I quit all that stuff cold turkey (not so much the desserts, though). I was nauseous for about 3 days straight without all the stuff that kept my system going, but on the other side of that, I could tell things were improving.
Then came the procession of Chinese herbs, supplements from the health food store, and special tea made with nettle and milk thistle leaves. For two months, that's all I've done, in addition to drinking vast quantities of water. When I got some sort of cold virus (from my future husband- apparently we share everything now!) I bought some medicine that is free of the stuff that upset my liver so much.
One hilarious observation I made was that when you take the bad stuff out of the liver (the "bile" according to the Shakespearian set), you really do feel anger. I had a major case of PMS a few weeks ago. My boss did some stuff that was annoying and I just felt myself get furious, then self-conscious and laughing at myself for being so nuts about it.
A woman at work told me that liver toxicity in animals is linked to aggressive behavior. This made me think about some people I know and wonder how they are inside. Maybe if they could go through a liver detox, they would feel more peaceful and less P-O'd all the time.
I don't know where you are at in life, or how you feel physically, but if this issue ever plagues you, trust me, a liver detox is totally worth it! Worth all the crankiness and strange smelling urine. Truly.
I had a follow-up blood test today. Fingers are crossed that I'm back in the normal range after this detox...
Yours,
Jane
My illness left some residual issues- namely, headaches. And while I am deprived of salt, alcohol, and anything with caffeine in it, including chocolate, I told myself that there were 3 things I could have as much as I wanted:
1) online shopping
2) desserts
3) headache meds
Unfortunately, a lot of headache medicines have acetomenaphen, which is the active ingredient in Tylenol. Stuff like Nyquil, Dayquil, Tylenol 3, etc. Little did I know it was shredding my liver, which I need for like 50 more years, so that day when I got the "stop drinking" phone call, I quit all that stuff cold turkey (not so much the desserts, though). I was nauseous for about 3 days straight without all the stuff that kept my system going, but on the other side of that, I could tell things were improving.
Then came the procession of Chinese herbs, supplements from the health food store, and special tea made with nettle and milk thistle leaves. For two months, that's all I've done, in addition to drinking vast quantities of water. When I got some sort of cold virus (from my future husband- apparently we share everything now!) I bought some medicine that is free of the stuff that upset my liver so much.
One hilarious observation I made was that when you take the bad stuff out of the liver (the "bile" according to the Shakespearian set), you really do feel anger. I had a major case of PMS a few weeks ago. My boss did some stuff that was annoying and I just felt myself get furious, then self-conscious and laughing at myself for being so nuts about it.
A woman at work told me that liver toxicity in animals is linked to aggressive behavior. This made me think about some people I know and wonder how they are inside. Maybe if they could go through a liver detox, they would feel more peaceful and less P-O'd all the time.
I don't know where you are at in life, or how you feel physically, but if this issue ever plagues you, trust me, a liver detox is totally worth it! Worth all the crankiness and strange smelling urine. Truly.
I had a follow-up blood test today. Fingers are crossed that I'm back in the normal range after this detox...
Yours,
Jane
Saturday, 12 October 2013
Sad and Happy
I once knew a woman who had a lot of physical maladies and talked a lot about them. She was (is) my age and seemed very afraid of living life. I wonder if her physical problems weren't magnified by the fears she had about being out in the world.
I was friends with her on Facebook for a while. Her statuses consisted of asking for prayers to help other sick people and complaining about her menstrual problems, which seemed to happen all the time. Goodness knows, I am a woman too, and I know sometimes an inordinate amount of things need to revolve around those times when you are in pain, can't concentrate, and wander around like a space cadet.
She was included on a girl's weekend once. She slept about 18 hours a day- at the beach. I eventually sent her home and told her she needed to see a doctor. She left and went to see other friends instead. I think she was avoiding social interaction. It didn't make a lot of sense.
Another friend confronter her (gently) and made an observation that she seemed to be scared of life. This person agreed and said she was afraid. She didn't seem to want to do the work, figure it out, and get on with her life. So, she faded into the background of my life. I couldn't read any more of her posts about menstruation and sickness, so I didn't.
I eventually deleted her off Facebook when she did something to get on my nerves. I figure, if you can't find a way to like someone, you should get out of her life. I hope she didn't take it badly. In the virtual world, where you "see" people you don't actually run into in real life, it's better to enjoy the information you receive.
So you can imagine my surprise when I met her doppelganger a few weeks ago at the place I now work. This woman is perpetually happy and always smiling, and is a dead ringer for the sad one I once knew. I can't help but smile every time I see her, first of all because she's smiling and second of all because she looks like someone I associated with so much sadness and ill health, so to see her happy is almost like coming full circle and seeing someone succeed where she once failed. Sad has changed to happy.
I realize that these are two different people, but as my friend Lily Bailey says, there are no such things as coincidences.
Best wishes for a great weekend,
-Jane
P.S. Months after I deleted the sad one from my Facebook feed, I found out she has a serious medical problem. I wish her well, for sure. More than that, though, I wish her happy.
I was friends with her on Facebook for a while. Her statuses consisted of asking for prayers to help other sick people and complaining about her menstrual problems, which seemed to happen all the time. Goodness knows, I am a woman too, and I know sometimes an inordinate amount of things need to revolve around those times when you are in pain, can't concentrate, and wander around like a space cadet.
She was included on a girl's weekend once. She slept about 18 hours a day- at the beach. I eventually sent her home and told her she needed to see a doctor. She left and went to see other friends instead. I think she was avoiding social interaction. It didn't make a lot of sense.
Another friend confronter her (gently) and made an observation that she seemed to be scared of life. This person agreed and said she was afraid. She didn't seem to want to do the work, figure it out, and get on with her life. So, she faded into the background of my life. I couldn't read any more of her posts about menstruation and sickness, so I didn't.
I eventually deleted her off Facebook when she did something to get on my nerves. I figure, if you can't find a way to like someone, you should get out of her life. I hope she didn't take it badly. In the virtual world, where you "see" people you don't actually run into in real life, it's better to enjoy the information you receive.
So you can imagine my surprise when I met her doppelganger a few weeks ago at the place I now work. This woman is perpetually happy and always smiling, and is a dead ringer for the sad one I once knew. I can't help but smile every time I see her, first of all because she's smiling and second of all because she looks like someone I associated with so much sadness and ill health, so to see her happy is almost like coming full circle and seeing someone succeed where she once failed. Sad has changed to happy.
I realize that these are two different people, but as my friend Lily Bailey says, there are no such things as coincidences.
Best wishes for a great weekend,
-Jane
P.S. Months after I deleted the sad one from my Facebook feed, I found out she has a serious medical problem. I wish her well, for sure. More than that, though, I wish her happy.
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