Does Listening to Music You Discovered in 1996 Transport You Back to the Age You Were in 1996?

Friends, I have re-discovered the Wallflowers.  With every second of the grungy/Austin-inspired/wall-of-noise tunes, I am transported back to myself in 1996, the broke but happy college student/graduate/traveler/creative person.

I read somewhere in a feng shui book that someone did an experiment at an old folks' home and piped in music from the old people's youth.  In response to this, perhaps, the old people's bodies started producing cells that were as potent as the ones they'd produced when they were young.

Sometimes I hope for that.  Sometimes, when I'm not as keen on what the future holds as I probably should be.

"And I know you believe that you and me don't belong here,
And the worst we could do is keep trying to pretend we care.
But I hear voices, and I see colors, and I wish I felt nothing...
Then it might be easy for me, like it is for you.

Like it is for you,
Like it is for you."

Man, I love that song.  I used to drive around in my 2-door black hatchback and crank that song!  I was such an emotional emoter back in 1996- that's right, the same kind of person who really gets on my nerves now.  Funny how the tables turn.

If I need to feel positive about the future, I probably shouldn't listen to all my old CDs, but since I lost all the ITunes I'd input into my computer, I am listening to all my CDs again to re-enter them into ITunes.  Between being broke from the Recession and just getting older, my CD consumption has slowed to a trickle in recent years. So, much of the music that reminds me of recent days is not included in my CD collection.

But hopefully when I get up from working at my computer and listening to the Wallflowers later on today, I'll have that flat stomach I had back in 1996.  One can only hope.

Yours truly,

Jane

I did the best I could. Honest.

Friends, I have the flu this week. I don't think I'm going to die from it, but it's certainly thrown a wrench into my plans.  I had to postpone fun outings, although I may be making progress on the job front.  However, any face-to-face meetings or fast-paced conversations will have to wait a few more days; I simply don't look or sound the part of a competent worker now.

It's also given me the gift of introspection.  Yesterday, I gave myself the job of pulling weeds (because I simply had to be outside and feel the breeze) and while I sat there, performing that repetitive task, my mind started to wander in that wonderful way it does. I thought back to different tasks I've been assigned and asked to do over the years, and once in a while I haven't knocked one out of the park.

(Astrological insight: my Capricorn ascendent is something that's followed me like an addiction throughout life, whether it was scoring high in the "Takes pride in work" category on a grade-school report card or fashioning my own checklists to ensure that work tasks were done thoroughly at prior jobs, I'm one of those people who pay attention to detail. Typos drive me up a wall! But once in a while, my own brain won't let me recognize my own.) 

I thought back to jobs I've held, places I've lived, the book I'm writing (which chronicles some very challenging conditions during this recession, which I still think is going on), my past creative projects, and everything I've tried where I've rated average or less.  The thought popped into my head:

I did the best I could. 

I came up with a few concepts, a few rhymes, and wrote them down on a Word file.  Then, apparently I neglected to save them, because when I opened the document today to review it, only the first 2 stanzas remained. The first 2 stanzas contained the words from my weed-pulling inspiration, so they were probably the best part of it anyway.

Ah well.  I told you I was sick and halfway checked out of my own brain.  I tried to write a whole poem or song, but all that remained after my absent-minded fumbling was the first part.  It's OK. I did the best I could.

Future Husband and I have discussed this concept a lot.  Every day that dawns brings new challenges and opportunities, and sometimes your personal best for one day is far better than your personal best the next day. It's like carrying around a tool belt; what you can get done is completely dependent on what tools you have with you.

Are you familiar with singing in harmony? This requires that some of the singers don't follow the main melody of the music.  Back when I sang and danced in musicals, guess who could never sing harmony no matter how well it was taught? Sorry, former directors.  I tried.  In fact, I did the best I could. After getting into costume and character, bounding out onstage to find my mark and start to dance, though, something had to give.  You will never see me perform at Carnegie Hall, but trust me.  For all those times, I did the best I could.

This carried over to me with different projects I've worked on, namely those that are inadequately communicated and difficult to decipher.  Twice now I've worked with lawyers who expected a great deal of mind-reading when handing me assignments.  One was appeased by being assigned to a new writer who also happened to be a law school graduate.  The other may have been appeased when I stopped working for her firm. The jury's out on the second one (ha ha).

Fast-forwarded to today, I now have 2/3 of a book manuscript done and I'm going to go out in search of an agent and all that stuff.  I am of two minds on this: will the mistakes of the past serve me well because they taught me things about the process, or will I just try new things and find new mistakes to make?

The concept of "I did the best I could" fits well into the story; in fact, whatever it turns into will be the epilogue, which is the thing you read at the end of the book that wraps up the themes contained within it. It also can literally be appreciated as something the author communicates to the audience after she's written a book.  Hey readers, this is my book. I hope you liked it. I did the best I could.

Back in the fictional setting of Winterville, where I was tortured for about 5 years, I did the best I could.  I was trapped in a bad real estate investment in an area of the country that, according to the Wall Street Journal, is still in recession and may be for years to come. I tried, and mostly failed, to make friends there, but I succeeded in meeting a lot of crazy people whom I wanted to hide from.  I tried to make enough money and couldn't bring myself to play the good-old-boy game or subvert my personality enough to pass myself off as passable to the people who judged me harshly. I tried to have roommates, and ended up dealing with theft and other trashy issues. I even tried to date in that wasteland, and came away from that feeling much like someone who drinks Drain-o and lives to tell about it.

I did the best I could.  It was miserable, though.  I wasn't the picture of positivity or health by the end of it, though.  I was preoccupied with escape.  Can you blame me? I did the best I could.  It was difficult.

So this brings us to the present.  There were some things I wanted to get done today that will have to wait.  But also, I'm sweating out a fever.  And, I did get some things done today.  I did the best I could.

All my best to you, today and ever day.

Yours truly,

Jane Q. Phoenix

What Does New Year's Mean to You?

Hi everyone! Jane here.  I just wanted to drop in and see how your 2014s are going so far.

I've personally had so much change in the past several months that I haven't made any resolutions.  Just keeping up with life is all that I can do.  However, I know that many of you are established in a line of work and/or consistently live at the same address and/or maybe even have a consistent relationship with someone in your lives, so I have to ask the question: What do you feel needs to change about life? And what are you happy with just the way it is?

Some of my single friends do battle with these questions.  I know the single life well myself, actually.  Years of experience with that. It seems like you have to walk the line between, "I like my life the way it is, thank you very much," and "Of course I'd like to welcome a new special someone in my life, provided that person is wonderful."  I just had someone tell me in the same conversation that 1) she was absolutely NOT going online to date (which I totally understand, but it makes me wonder how she will meet people which brings me to the next point) and 2) she is considering changing careers so that her path will cross with people who fit the bill of the types of people she would like to meet. So it seems that some (and I include myself in this number... Prince Charming had to literally sweep me off my feet to get me to change my life) are waiting for that big neon sign from the Universe to proceed, or doing a bit of passive looking for love.

There is the flip side to this of course, with the miserable married people and the angry people still in relationships with people they don't actually even like, and so forth.  Which ones will make a change in 2014? Who will seek counseling and other help? Who will get to the core of the issues that need to be seen, felt, and understood?

There are others who avoid dating and marriage at all costs, too.  I respect that but I don't understand it. (I hope I don't come across as pushy when I ask these people if they're dipping their toes in the dating pools...)

But aside from single/married/divorced status, there are a lot of things that could change.  Your health, your income, your stress level, how you make your living, where you live, how you live, what you drive (if you drive), whom you spend your time with, what you do, and so forth.

I've joined a few new groups in Meetup.com to see if I can expand my horizons.  My future husband has also introduced some interesting pastimes and possible new hobbies into my life.  I feel blessed and fortunate to have so many new things on my radar, but at the same time I'm keeping all those things that worked about my life before.  Just like the girl scout saying, Make new friends but keep the old; One is silver and the other's gold.  Such can be said for all the "stuff" of life.

Here's wishing you a 2014 full of all the "stuff" you like,

Yours truly,

Jane Q. Phoenix

Haunted by "That Person"

If you've walked on this earth for any amount of time, you probably have a person you think of as that person. This is the person you hope you don't see at the supermarket, or at the movies, or school.  A glimpse of someone who looks like that person might send you scrambling for the toilet paper aisle or purposefully digging through your purse, as if you just realized you have to find something there, not look around at the people around you because that person might try to engage.

Having relocated miles away from most people who are familiar to me, I don't have awkward run-ins at the store, or at a bar the night before Thanksgiving, like I used to.  I did write about one earlier this year (see post from May 4)- and actually there were a few that weekend, but I highly suspect that the other run-ins were with dopplegangers, not the actual people:
Sorry, All Your Turns Have Been Used Up...

You want to talk about awkward encounters? Yep, there are plenty to be had, with people like that person whom you don't want to see.

What brought this to mind today was someone in a store; she looked like my version of that person and for a second, I tensed up.  That person was very judgmental of me and happened to be about 8 years older than myself.  She didn't seem able to have a peer-to-peer relationship with me. Instead, she desperately wanted to mentor me, even though our work and our goals were different and (important point coming up here!) I didn't ask her to mentor me.  Imagine how that became awkward.  Mmm hmm. I introduced her to another friend of mine, younger than me by about 7 years, and that friend assessed that person by saying, "She likes to act like she's in charge, huh?" Talk about awkward!

The pinnacle of our awkward interactions took place when she informed me of the following:
1) I was wasting my life in my current situation (working, trying to save money, going on vacations, spending time with friends, enjoying hobbies, etc.)
2) What I needed was to have a baby
3) I needed to have a baby with my ex-boyfriend or possibly a sperm donor
4) And she swore she'd help with the baby! Once or twice a year she'd drop by to play with it!
5) She'd talked over her feelings about what I should do with my life with her therapist, and they decided she really couldn't hold back anymore.  She needed to speak her peace.

I offer this as Exhibit A for the awkward moments that ensue when you reach your late thirties without a husband or potential husband.  I would have started offering exhibits earlier, as there are many to choose from, but I just got inspired today, so here's the first one.

Friends, like every other person on earth, I've had to admit that certain opportunities haven't been open to me, and I've had to adjust my life.  My first goal was to be a Rockette, but I didn't grow to be 5 foot 6 inches.  Sure, I had a great high kick back in the day, but as a short person, it did me no good.

I suppose I could have gone after every girlfriend I had over 5 foot 6 inches to nag them about becoming Rockettes, (you should do this, I'd tell them, because I NEVER HAD THE CHANCE!) but this wasn't something any of them wanted.

Likewise, perhaps that person could have had a baby when she was late 30s/ early 40s with some transient person in her life. Perhaps she regrets not being a mother now that menopause is starting.  However, she neglected to realize that 1) adoption is possible at most ages; 2) I didn't want to have a baby with my ex-boyfriend; 3) it's not really fair to swoop in and tell other people how to live their lives.

So there you go, friends.  Awkward moments with people, brought to you by Jane Q. Phoenix.

On a different note, I hope you all have a safe and wonderful new year's celebration and a FABULOUS 2014!

Love,
Jane

http://lifeandpocketchange.blogspot.com/2013/05/sorry-all-your-turns-have-been-used-up.html

Dream Journal 12/23/13: Making a Boy Cry

I finally got through to someone last night.  This person was crying and upset because he finally understood how his behavior has affected others.

It was a dream, naturally. This person is so hard-headed that to explain anything to him requires the patience of a saint, which I don't happen to possess. Our relationship over the years has been difficult because he likes to be outspoken and more times than not, I didn't ask for his opinion. So, to summarize, I identify more with an introvert personality type, while he is extroverted.  Even our choices of what we do for a living are very different, and of course that's by design.

Of course, when you have a longstanding friendship with someone, you let things slide. You let bygones be bygones.  You figure out what to avoid talking about so that you can get along.

I don't remember the details of the dream, but I do recall the ending because it is freshest in my mind. He was crying.  I've never seen him cry in real life.  He cried because I told him that he was insensitive to his single friends. Several people I know act like finding someone to spend the rest of your life with is super easy, like you can get it done before breakfast in most cases.

Friends, I am engaged for the first time and 40 years old.  At a time when most people are thinking about how to spend their midlife crises, I am blooming later than average.  I realize that for the rest of Generation X, this isn't so odd, but for the older people in my life, and for the Xers who found love in high school and college, engaged/married life is old hat, something they started 10 to 15 years ago.

I've noticed that these "smug marrieds" (as Bridget Jones named them) tend to forget the pain of rejection, the angst of meeting someone and doing all that work just to find out if that person is even available, the awkwardness of having to fly solo to weddings, class reunions, and so forth, and the judgment of people around you who wonder what's wrong with you, what prevents you from being paired off like the rest of the planet.

My subconscious hides most of the details from me, so I don't even know how I got through to him, but I did.  I woke up while the dream was still happening, and the poor boy was crying.  Crying!

Friends, be nice to single people. Don't be that smug and judgmental jerk who belittles them.  I spent many years being single and some of the closest people to me still are.

Merry Christmas too, darlings.

Love,

Jane Q. Phoenix

Work, and More Work

Friends, I am working on 2 things simultaneously:

1) finishing my book, which is co-authored by the Dancing Diva with her rapier wit and witty commentary. She's worked on the first few sections and I need to get it done so she can sprinkle her shennanigans on all of the sections. Along with that, there's researching a publisher, figuring out what deal is best, reading online reviews from other authors, finding an editor, and sheesh! There aren't enough hours in the day, even for this relatively unemployed person.
2) looking for a new job, preferably where I will be surrounded by fellow nerds. I hit the jackpot today with 2 postings that looked spot-on for me, not even 6 miles from the apartment- and since I'm in a Large Metropolitan Area now, this is a major consideration.  There are other companies that talk about "synergies" and such on their websites, that sound a bit flaky, and then there are the companies that cater to nerdlike interests like energy-efficient engineering, rocket science, and whatever.  I like the workplaces where the nerds congregate... I'm sure there are a lot of reasons for that but really it's a birds of a feather thing, and this phoenix is a bit of a nerd herself.

Oh and there's also the finding my way around a new area of the country, preparing for the holidays, and attempting to live in a relatively stress-free manner with my future husband.  Ha ha ha ha ha. That exhausts me, just reading it.

Anyway, back to the writing! My job posts are done for the day.

I hope this note finds all of you well. Happy holidays!

-Jane

If the road to hell is paved with good intentions, then...

The road to a new life is paved with the bricks that you poop out in the process of reinventing your new life! (I've offered a relative some bricks to line her garden. I figure if I poop them all out, they should match and look lovely edging her garden, no?)

Hi everyone. Jane here.  I'm going through every bit of my stuff- all my books, clothing, stuff, even shoes! and figuring out what stays, what goes to my new home, and what goes to the thrift store or gets sold.

And yes, it would be easier to go to an office and work all day long than stay home and do this!

In situations like this, though, you have to keep your eyes on the prize. There's only been a few other times in my life when I was able to move somewhere and leave the old life behind, as I'm doing now. It's extremely exciting.  I'm over the moon to have this opportunity to move to a totally new place and have new adventures. It goes without saying that my old life of poverty, before I sold my house, is a faint memory and a lot of lessons learned. I couldn't have anything close to the prosperity I have now with something like that weighing me down- and when I mention prosperity I mean both material and non-material.

For all the times that I've found myself stuck in life- due in part to my own and others' good intentions no doubt- there has been the payout that comes with getting unstuck and moving forward.

Many people I've met this year and last year, or whom I've lived with or worked with, have each been both a blessing and a person I may not see much of in the future. I hope this doesn't sound too callous; it's not that I don't care about them.  It's just that I'm in a transitional phase and these friendly faces will not follow me to my next destination in life; however, they may make cameo appearances every now and again.

I'm pondering all these concepts, although what I'm really doing is prolonging this period of time before I cook breakfast and organize all of the clothing in my wardrobe. Sigh!

Love, and happy Thanksgiving!

Jane Q. Phoenix