Amigas and Diva, it's Jane here. The conspiracy of Aunt Flo and allergies has culminated into a giant headache that Coke straight out of the can didn't fix yesterday (yes, Jane fell off the wagon and drank a COKE!) but to no avail. It's got a hold on me and I'm at home, that home that's caused me so many emotions, and I'm relaxing.
The sale of this home will take some time, maybe stretching into 2013. I don't know yet; we're just taking baby steps toward that eventual goal. Diva, your post made me remember something that Shakti Gawain (meditation guru) wrote in a column a few months ago. Sometimes, the idea of positive thinking is given to people in such a way that it encourages them to deny what's really going on and try to convince themselves that their circumstances are better than they actually are. She said to really look at what's bothering you. Try to see what it is. Don't deny that something stinks when it stinks; just give yourself the hope that things will be better in the future, and try to imagine what that future will be.
I wonder what I'll do when I move on from this place. I really do. I realize that so much of my life is bound by this constraint. It is the reason I give for not doing more extracurricular things (oy, so much driving! So much stress! No money left over to do fun stuff) and sadly, after a recent budget review, that's true. One thing that I'm already doing, however, is worrying that I'll make some new awful mistake when I do move on, so much so that this time in my life will look like a walk in the park when it's compared to it.
I realize that much of this anxiety is the result of my hormone levels. Truly, every month at this time I wonder if I need professional help; but then, it passes, and I get up and go to work, and talk to people and laugh and everything feels better about my life.
Diva, you are absolutely right; were it not for this place, this environment as well as this house, I wouldn't have my first ebook. I wouldn't know Mike, and I'd be a lot less mature and a lot less appreciative of the things and people in my life that make it good. I'd be more selfish and greedy and a bigger pain in the ass for sure, at least to some people.
One thing that I need more of in my life is people. Fun people. This was "diagnosed" by our acupuncturist friend a few years ago. He'd prescribe "More Fun." It turned out that a house party that I was SOOO looking forward to this weekend just got cancelled, and I am bummed, but I'll figure something out. I just need to see people more, be out and about, and find things to laugh about as much as possible. I need fun. I had fun with our friend who visited last fall, and the boyfriend before him (before he disappeared). It's why I did so badly moving here and working for a small company and not meeting anyone I could socialize with. (It doesn't help that the bottom fell out of the real estate and job markets too, ha ha ha).
I also want to try dating again. Not right now, in this particular mood. I'll definitely let this headache pass. But overall, I think it's time I started being around interesting, fun people more often.
It occurred to me that when my good friend lost her father last year, she had her husband for support. When I suffer losses in my life, I have Diva and a few others, but I'd like to know what it's like to have live-in support from a real live partner, you know? I confessed to my friend K last week that I want to get married, not for glamorous reasons but for the partnership. Here I have these problems, this expensive house, for example, and no partner to work on the problem with.
Now, I know that men can bring in their own world of hurts (addictions, obsessions with former girlfriends, disrespect, cheating, whatever) and some of my friends bring this up to me when I say I want to get out there again, but I don't know. I'm so adept at being on my own that I can only hope that I'll be a good judge of character and pick a winner next time (or, one step closer to a winner; they are improving, you know!)
So- it all comes down to ensuring that the whole of my life doesn't revolve around one mistake I made. No one decision should have that much power over my happiness and my thoughts. I'll muddle through this just like I muddled through my fruitless searches for love in that other place, my mysterious illness (before it was diagnosed), and the other non-fabulous storms I've weathered since I started on this project of being a grown-up.
Yours,
Jane
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