Saturday, 23 February 2008

Oh, hello

I am taking a quick break from my schoolwork this dreary rainy and cold Saturday afternoon to ponder the meaning of life.
42. That is the answer. We all know the answer. None of us know the question.

While Ms. Jane Q. Phoenix deals with the goings on in her life (I am hoping that she finds another job very soon), I continue with my own random thoughts. I sometimes do think too much, and other times not enough. When I was 15, I was chatting with this fellow about life in general. (Unfortunately for both of us, I was only 15 because otherwise, I might have ended up with a charming, sweet, insightful and educated boyfriend. How lovely would that be? I had my chance at 15 and have yet to experience all three of those things in one person. But I do digress...) He told me that some things I need to just let be otherwise I'll end up thinking myself into a box. Yes, I do that. It's usually got to do with my own life and what am I supposed to do here? What comes next? And then? What after that?

I have to keep reminding myself to take things as they come. Needless to say, this is much easier said than done. I think partly it's ingrained in us. I mean, how many of you had to do the exercise in school (or even in some job interviews for chrissakes!) "Where do you see yourself in 5 years? 10 years?" Now, how many of you have actually realized what you might have said? While goals are good to have, and visualizing yourself achieving those goals will keep you motivated and help you get there, sometimes life has other plans. My life keeps changing at a pace that brings me to places, that five years ago, I just wouldn't have imagined.

Let's take a quick 20, I never expected to have been struggling to barely make ends meet at 25. At 25yrs old, I never expected that at 30 I would have moved to a state I'd never even considered living in and have a job with a large company that others would look at as quite a good job to have (and I thought so too at the time.) When I turned 30, I never expected that by age 35 (which I'll mark this year), I'd have quit that job, sold everything to go back to school, and still be in school in a completely different state yet again (and back to struggling to make ends meet, although with a different perspective than I had at 25.) Funny how life works. Who knows where I'll be in the next 5 years?

Despite this, I keep wanting to know where my life will take me next, start plotting my next move so to speak. At the same time, I realize just how futile that is because right now, and for the next year or so, my place is here, continuing my studies. And so much can change in that year! Oh, I have dreams of leaving for foreign lands and traveling, experiencing different cultures, but for now, there is nothing I can really do about that. I need to get this task, my schooling, done with first. And yet I continue to ponder my fate. Where will I end up? What will happen? (oh, yes, if you haven't figured out by now, I often read the endings of books after the first few chapters just so I'll know where it ends and then can see how it got to that.)

I've had readings done that basically tell me everything is going to be all right, but I can't quite believe it yet. I am filled with uncertainty. I need to learn to live with it, let it be. Let the stillness come. Instead, I rush around trying to find an answer, trying to find that stillness. Put this way it seems pretty silly, and yet, that is what I do. Boxing myself in indeed.