Monday, 29 December 2008

I think it's the hair

Jane Phoenix started out years ago as a drawing of a superhero. My friend F was an artist and he wanted me to name his latest character, and so I did. The coolest name by far that I could think of was Jane Phoenix. He made a drawing of her that was typical of what a 20-something guy would draw- tiny waist, giant boobs, and cool hair... but the cool hair was short and straight like mine. I could have that cool hair...

Recently I copied her hair as my own: dark bob with short bangs. It seems simple enough, but apparently it drives the boys wild. And as a side benefit, they are boys near my age, not the geezers I was meeting before.

One day after getting the brunette bangs, I was left speechless by a guy working at Moe's. He laid it on so thick that I didn't know how to react. I just stood there and stammered out what I wanted on my tacos, absolutely flustered. What made me laugh, though, was that even though he wasn't my type, I was excited to see that he had to be within a few years of my age. That had never happened before in this town.

Yesterday, while buying pants and shoes at Ross, the guy who checked me out quite literally checked me out. I handed him my stuff, indicated that I'd brought my own bag (tree-hugger) and he said to me, "You are a very beautiful woman."

I mean, what the hell do you say to that? Other than, "thanks!"

So then he goes on to ask me if I have a boyfriend and I said yes I do (the details are sketchy and I barely see him, but this random dude didn't need to know that) and I said, "I'm probably too old for you anyway." To which he told me that he's 30, 5 full years older than the Dude actually, but I didn't say anything.

So the Ross Guy invited me to come back and see him any time, and I just walked out flustered.

I don't know what's going on, but I think it's the hair.

I'm glad the Dude saw my potential and asked me out before I had the hair. That shows real depth.

Happy new year, everyone!

Thanks for tuning in!


Tuesday, 25 November 2008

On Expectations

The Buddha teaches us that Expectations lead to Disappointment (Suffering).

After much meditation, I have come to the conclusion that I will be OK regardless of what goes on with my work life because I have acquired wisdom from my previous jobs to know where I will belong as far as what type of work and in what type of environment. The key is to look around with eyes wide open and see things for what they are. After that, there are no big surprises.

I had expectations with the Iceberg. Sure, they were based on things he said and plans he wanted to make with me, but I don't think I really listened to what he was really saying. And my ego got in the way too. Here I'd told everyone that we were in love and he was the guy for me, and we were happy, and then he goes and acts like an ass. How humiliating, on an ego level. What? I wondered to myself. Now I have to go back and tell everyone that all that good stuff didn't happen? Or if it did, it's evaporated now so forget about it ever being that way?

Now I'm sorry, that's embarrassing. I can only imagine what it's like for people who've been married and had kids together to have to announce to their loved ones that they've been abandoned. Ugh. It makes my stuff look like a walk in the park.

Diva and I met a bus driver in Ireland named Maurice. He told us, "Expect nothing and you won't be disappointed." I always loved that quote. So Buddhist, from such a catholic country.

With the Dude, I am holding down expectations on every front. Some friends go wild when you tell them you're dating and assume all kinds of crazy things- start planning wedding stuff and knitting baby booties, that sort of thing. So I say stuff like, "It's not the romance of the century," because it isn't and "I don't see him that often," which is true, I haven't seen him since last Sunday I think. He works a lot.

With family, Big Brother asked me if Dude was coming to Thanksgiving dinner. I said no, he's going to be with his best friend and his friend's family. (I'd offered, but he already had plans). Still, the prospect of bringing a man around to the family has been a BIG Deal in their eyes. So holding down expectations is probably most important in that realm.

But it's my expectations that are the most important in this scenario. At first I wondered why didn't he call every day and do that stuff that I'd been conditioned to expect. I had to wait and see what happened. He did eventually call, and we do like each other, and things are going very slowly but you know what? It's the best course of action for him and me. We're both transplants, unsure of our futures, living in strange places 1 hour from each other, figuring out our lives and neither of us have really "dated" anyone else since early last year... so it's the pace that we've set. Every so often one of us will text the other, I'll write him a note to say call me when you have some free time, the phone will ring and if I'm available we hang out, if I'm not we're not. And whatever we do, it's always fun.

It's not the romance of the century, but it is pretty damn cool. And the less I think about it as far as the future and its potential and what will this person or that person think of him, the better it is for me.

Saturday, 15 November 2008

Astral projection v. just a dream?


This is what I heard from a psychic when I described my dream from April 23 about Hot Mike and how I jumped off the cliff and then flew to the ground with my pink wings.


I don't know much about it, but it seems to me more that it's the subconscious making things conscious through an experience that someone has in an altered state rather than consciousness actually leaving the body and going to another place. The term "out of body experience" doesn't make sense to me because my body was part of my experience. It felt emotions, felt like it was flying, moved, talked, thought. I couldn't have had that dream without my body (if that makes sense).

I needed to hear the message, "Just find somewhere soft to land" so much that it took an experience like that to make it stick.


Also I went to a handwriting analyst, who told me that as Jane, I like to tell stories, am bold and colorful and love attention. My Jane signature is really cool compared to my regular one. It makes sense.

I mean, this was supposed to be a secret blog, but Jane told all kinds of people about it. Why? Because Jane writes about such cool adventures and wants everyone to know about them!

Maybe I need to mosey back into writing creatively, but this time do it as Jane. For whatever reason, the writing I do when I identify with Jane, who is after all a woman who wears go-go boots, has awesome shiny hair, is a bit sassier than any other writing I could do.

It's something to think about...

I'm adding this second part because I met a guy who does dream interpretations. Here's what he said:

In your dream, as you overlook this cliff, you are looking at the possibility of a significant fall in your emotions. Your destiny looks good far off, but the way to get there is almost impossible, even to fathom.

Your spirit guide, as you describe him, then shows up. This is a good description, because in a true way, he does represent your male side of power and strength. It is your choice whether to listen. He wants you to take the plunge, which is not going to be easy. There will be much difficulty along the way.

You agree to go ahead with this drop, but you need him to go with you. In other words, you are willing to take chances in your life, but want that sense of power to accompany you on your way. So off you go!!! You are willing to take the chance of your life with help.

Once you take your chance in life (after it is done), you now begin to look at all of the possible outcomes of your actions - all the 'what-if's'. You need to know now that you have taken the most dangerous chance of your life. But it might be worth it.

You finally find yourself without someone to guide you any longer, but there is good news ahead for you. After taking the chance of your life, you have sprouted pink wings. This means that within your spirit, in that place of love in your heart chakra (pink), you have found the true answer to life's questions of you. If you love, no dilemma can keep you down or away from your truth. Love will be your true answer in your life. And in the end you will land safely in the beauty of all of nature and the universe. For with love, you no longer even need a spirit guide.

You will find happiness, joy and beauty inside your heart and in the love of only have to let go of any fear...

What a great dream...

Thursday, 9 October 2008

Ladies and Germs, my idol Mae West

I think it's good to have a personal hero, and nobody ever took on the role of the independent woman quite like Mae West. Here are some quotes that we can all use as words to live by.

It's better to be looked over than overlooked.

A hard man is good to find.

Men are my life, diamonds are my career!

When women go wrong, men go right after them!

When caught between two evils I generally pick the one I've never tried before.

When I'm good, I'm very good. But when I'm bad, I'm better.

Marriage is a great institution. I'm not ready for an institution.

It's not the man in your life that counts. It's the life in your man.

Is that a gun in your pocket or are you just glad to see me?

I believe in censorship. After all, I made a fortune out of it.

I only like two kinds of men: domestic and foreign.

Too much of a good thing is wonderful.

I'm no model lady. A model's just an imitation of the real thing.

Don't marry a man to reform him. That's what reform schools are for.

It's hard to be funny when you have to be clean.

I wrote the story myself. It's all about a girl who lost her reputation but never missed it.

It ain't sin if you crack a few laws now and then, just so long as you don't break any.

Personality is the glitter that sends your little gleam across the footlights and the orchestra pit into that big black space where the audience is.

Good girls go to heaven. Bad girls go everywhere else.

I used to be Snow White, but I drifted.

Ten men waiting for me at the door? Send one of them home, I'm tired.

Sex is an emotion in motion.

I do all my writing in bed; everybody knows I do my best work there.

To err is human, but it feels divine.

Few men know how to kiss well. Fortunately, I've always had time to teach them.

I always save one boyfriend for a rainy day . . . and another in case it doesn't rain.

Why don't you come sometime and see me? I'm home every evening . . . Come up, and I'll tell your fortune.

I freely chose the kind of life I led because I was convinced that a woman has as much right as a man to live the way she does if she does no actual harm to society.

The man I don't like doesn't exist.

I generally avoid temptation unless I can't resist it.

It isn't what I do, but how I do it. It isn't what I say, but how I say it, and how I look when I do it and say it.

I'm not good and tired, just tired.

Men are easy to get but hard to keep.

Friday, 22 August 2008

Want to laugh?

Diva starts off many conversations with that one phrase. It is an excellent phrase, to be sure, and who doesn't want to laugh? But I digress.

Want to laugh? Yesterday I had the honor of being asked to be a guest columnist for an advice column. The subject: How do I spot an insincere player? How did I let this smooth-talking man impress me, only to find out that he has a wife?

Aw geez, do I ever have the luck attracting just that type- so who better to post the warning signs? I mean, really.

To sum up, my warning signs are:
a) too much confidence. Confidence is attractive, yes, but he has more confidence than you'd expect- because he's already got (at least) one woman in his orbit already.
b) he seems too good to be true. That means- he probably is. He's had lots of practice paying attention to women and lavishing attention on them. What are the chances he'll stop with you?

I'll let you know if it's published, and if so where. I'm using this name (Jane) for the first time ever in print! Now I really feel like I have an alter ego...

Thursday, 17 July 2008

Makeover Time!!!

She's a beautician, not a magician, but I think tomorrow's trip to the hair stylist will reap some serious rewards. I told her on the phone the other day that I want to take a risk with the hair- basically, it's time for me to start looking like Jane Q Phoenix already, and I'm not there yet. Jane Q Phoenix has to have sassy hair, knowwhatImean? And I have something very sassy in mind. I'm thinking something like what you see above. Short bangs and a bob. Something that any dude would positively swoon over and come running toward. I have to do something to attract men with their acts together who were born within 6 years of my birth year, because I keep meeting old farts and guys who are barely older than I could have produced with a teen pregnancy. Someday when I get round to dating again, it would be nice to pick among my generation, knowwhatImean? Not baby boomers and not Generation Y or Z.

I can't wait for my new look!!!!

Wednesday, 25 June 2008

A rainbow, a prediction from an old man who looked like Johnny Cash, and a river otter playing nearby

Today was an interesting day. It started with John and Alice, a couple who are in their eighties who come to the park to swim. Alice is deaf and John is mostly blind. God and Goddess bless him, he looks like a blue-eyed Johnny Cash. He has an air about him that just oozes sweetness. Anyway, he's hard to understand when he talks but he came up to me at the counter today, where I collect money and hand out wristbands and ice cream, and he said to me, "Soon as the sun comes in through your back door, you're going to be in love." And I smiled back and- what do you say to this? didn't say anything, just nodded, and hopefully he saw that.

By this time Alice was out of the water and he went over to her with his towel to help her dry off. It was the sweetest thing to watch. Two people pushing 90, one who can't hear and one who can't see, and they are just so nice to one another. I think that's what people imagine when they visualize growing old with someone else.

I started to imagine the logistics of the sun actually coming in through my back door- I don't think it can, given the direction it faces and the fact that there's a porch in the way- but just the same it was a nice thought and hopefully a true prediction.

Next, there was a river otter who just came up into the swimming area to wow the park guests, catch a fish and eat it. I got to see it swim away and everyone was so excited. I love otters, they are great!

Finally, given the plethora of rain up here in the Rain Forest, I got to see a rainbow. Where did it land, you ask? My house of course. No pot of gold has been located but I'll take what that blue-eyed Johnny Cash guy is predicting instead.

Sunday, 25 May 2008

Time to clear again

Once again, I have decided that I need to drastically cut the junk from my life. This isn't easy to do as I seem to be a natural collector of things.  Last year, upon Jane's recommendation, I bought "Clear Your Clutter with Feng Shui." It really inspired me to go through my things after I came back from a two month stint away-I remember returning--walking back into my apartment, looking around and thinking, "Oh my god! Why do I have so much crap?" 

I spent the next two months going through things a bit at a time; I think I got rid of at least 5 bags of things, including clothes, shoes (my beloved shoes), and just stuff! Then, I hit a wall. It was time to go deeper and I don't think I was quite ready for that. I wasn't ready to start delving into valid items and deciding which to eliminate. So I stopped. And started buying other stuff. Now, I am back to looking at a cluttered apartment yet again, thinking how nice it would be to live simply-having less "filler" for those empty spaces.  I think that might be one of my issues, trying to fill in empty spaces. I'd like to feel more comfortable with the emptiness-become less attached to my things. After all, they are merely things, meant to make my life more comfortable, right? And if they are not enriching my life in some way, I need to let them pass on to someone else.  

I can sort of see where this tendency of mine started-I can remember at least two distinct times I lost or gave away something I "loved" and then either being heartbroken for the loss or regretting getting rid of it.  I also remember not getting things or seeing others get what I want with no chance of it for me. I certainly don't ever remember making a conscious decision saying, "When I get older, I'm going to start getting things and keeping them," but I do think somewhere deep inside that thought formed because it seems that's what I have been doing most of my adult life. Now, now it's time to release things.  I might have to reread that book again for inspiration and then again and again until it's instilled. 

Thursday, 22 May 2008

Trip down memory lane... confessions by Jane about how life was more fun when there were more Irish boys to flirt with

In meeting up with Hermione last weekend to celebrate my first published article in 9 years and my new job, she mentioned that she had ruined her pictures from our trip to Ireland (on which we met, along with Dancing Diva and our friend Smiling Flower, who lives near the actual city we once inhabited and is currently pregnant with twins. Hermione and I were roommates and got along swimmingly as you'd imagine, since we're in touch 13 years later). The trip was in 1995. After some hunting, I found some of the negatives and had copies made for her. I also went through my old album and found duplicates, so Dancing Diva, you will also be receiving some pics in the mail. Hopefully it will be a fun surprise. I'll be on a mission tomorrow to take care of all of my errands before the weekend begins and I'm on my feet for 10 hours per day TCB at the beautiful nature park. Hopefully I'll get to the post office then.

All of this looking back makes me nostalgic. Diva, remember when we were on the phone, either late last year or early this year, and you said that you hadn't had a truly fun year in like 11 years! And I agreed! I mean, why is it so challenging to be an adult? Why is there so much stress???

My current job is a throwback to my first post-college job in a resort in a national park, except back then, for co-workers, there were tons of guys who were my age and now there are tons of guys who are old! (Well, there are some super-young ones now but they are completely ridiculous and out of the question- which begs the question- why did we have so much fun when we were young and ridiculous?) I think I just answered my own question.

Why is the ridiculousness so hard to recapture? I see glimpses of it every now and then. Hermione had me cackling in an Italian restaurant last week. I told her I knew of a guy who was a herpetologist and she asked if he studied herpes, and if so, were there chlamydiologists too? Oh, Hermione, you are killing me, but in a good way, softly with your songs of ridiculousness as it were.

I can just feel better knowing that I am not aggravating my carpal tunnel, or making my vision worse squinting at a computer monitor. Physically I am better off running around, and this job makes that possible. I'll get tired of being dirty and sweaty soon enough, but the fact is that I feel good when I leave for work. I don't spend time the night before dreading it or feel it sap my energy. I can get stuff done when I get home from work and don't just drag myself around. It is so nice! And so unusual. No wonder it's seasonal work with no future and no benefits that pays less than what I need to cover my bills. Reasonably stress-free living comes at a price.

All I know is that right now I'm learning this job and I think I'll need a few months of fun at the park with the turtles and fish before I can think about returning to an air-conditioned environment where I'd be expected to iron my clothes (perish the thought!). Besides, Mercury is retrograde from a few days from now until mid-June. I'm superstitious after accepting my last disaster of a job and starting it within a few days of Mercury going retrograde. The longer I live, the more superstitions I come up with. Is that bad???

It was fun to see old pictures Hermione had of me with Senor Beautiful Stephen from California as well as our friend Paddy. These were my Dublin boyfriends as it were. How come we didn't have that much fun when we went out in our regular hometown? I mean, really.

I guess it's just that vacation mentality that's so hard to capture when you're at home. With gas at $4 per gallon, it's going to take a lot to recapture those vibes again. (Sometimes, though, when I'm in my room watching TV, I pretend that I'm in a hotel room somewhere exotic. Am I crazy? I just rearranged the room, so it really does feel like somewhere else.)

My good news is, the drought is abating and we're having some rain here in the Rain Forest. Oooh, I hope it rains tonight so I can listen to it while I fall asleep.

Hooray, I just heard some thunder. Time to go dream of happy things and fly with my wings (see previous entry from April about finding a soft spot to land if you don't get that reference).

Your tree-hugging amiga,

Jane Q. Phoenix

Sunday, 18 May 2008

well no wonder!

So, for the past few days, I have been one big ball of an emotional mess. I'm grumpy, and sad, and at other times, just so touched by things that I could cry. I also am quite irritated by little things. I'm irritated with myself as well (at least I include myself in my ire.) All the while, I'm wondering why on earth because I've actually been feeling quite good recently, and grateful for my life. But the past two days?? Big mess.

I just took a lovely bike ride to the grocery store, and the day is gorgeous-sun, blue skies, cool breeze. I started getting wistful for the days I would just ride my bicycle everywhere, and now it seems I just hardly ever have time. And I realized part of it growing up. Instead of putting everything else off to go ride my bike like I used to, now I put off the bike riding for everything else-chores, school, work. So that's part of it. 

And as I got home and sat down to the computer, still wondering why I've been such a grump lately instead of enjoying the days I do have, I saw the calender and the lightbulb went off. Yes, hormones are kicking in and putting me on this rollercoaster-PMS.  Well, no wonder! I can look at my melodramatics (nobody loves me!! I have no friends!! What am I doing with my life?I want to go home! I'm so saaaaaad!) with a bit more humor and discernment. 

What a relief!

Wednesday, 23 April 2008

Just look for somewhere soft to land

In doing a goddess reading for myself, in which I take my goddess cards and pick one or two and those are supposed to be the themes for my day, I had 2 messages: 1) stop worrying, everything is fine and 2) your chosen path is the right one for you. Nice comforting messages, I must say. Soooo.... I picked these cards before going to bed, and the illustration of the goddess Aine shows a woman with wings, like a fairy. She is flying or at least the sky is behind her in the illustration. Therefore, I went to sleep and dreamed about flying, or rather leaping over a cliff.

Luckily I wasn't alone. I was with some guy who was some type of guide, and for illustrative purposes let's call him Hot Mike.

In the dream, I was nervous about running up to the cliff and jumping, but Hot Mike assured me that everything was fine and that it was a perfectly acceptable thing to do. He grabbed my hand and we started running. The only thing I remember him saying in particular was as we jumped, when he said, "You'll be fine- just look for somewhere soft to land!" and I knew at that point that all would be well.

The action of jumping off the cliff did jar me awake, but I had enough wherewithal to go back to the dream and picture what the soft place to land would look like. It was a patch of green earth, free of snarly tree branches or anything like that.

It is a concrete goal (pardon the pun) to land somewhere soft. I took the leap away from the security of full-time employment in a place that dragged my energy down, and now I'm running with Hot Mike toward a cliff and jumping off, looking for somewhere soft to land. It is kind of cool.

The sensation in the air was odd, after we'd jumped. I felt light and didn't fall very fast. It was like when you are parachuting to the ground, and you can control where you land. It was odd enough to jar me out of the dream for a second, but not enough to cause panic.

Hmmmm.... interesting!!!

Friday, 4 April 2008

A river of tomatoes, a tomato river... My dreams are odd these days

I did a dangerous thing and read an advice column. This woman was freaked out because she kept dreaming about her first love, whom she still sees occasionally since they live in the same town. The advice to the woman was, perhaps you are more smitten with who you were when you were with him, rather than him in particular. I think the advice was right on.

Not to be outdone by the lady who wrote to the columnist, I went to bed and had a dream that 3 of my exes had morphed. (All had names beginning with S, if you want to guess who they were). One was tall, blond and skinny with a soul patch on his face; another was more muscular and shaved his head; and finally one was a redhead with long hair, of average height. The product of these 3 guys (and I wish I could draw, but bear with me) was pretty much the Olympic Flying Tomato himself, Shawn White. Pretty funny. Of course, that guy is so young that he'd be a ridiculous pick for me anyway, coolness notwithstanding.

OK, so then (in real life, on today) I moved on to my former future husband River and found some good quotes from him:

"We are taught to consume. And that's what we do. But if we realized that there really is no reason to consume, that it's just a mind set, that it's just an addiction, then we wouldn't be out there stepping on people's hands climbing the corporate ladder of success."

"I can't on my own change the regime in South Africa or teach the Palestinians to learn to live with the Israelites, but I can start with me."

And it is sad, because he is gone, and he seemed like a really cool guy. But I notice something about death: People (who don't die) move on from it when someone they love dies. It's like the world readjusts and changes. Like the River in Siddhartha. It's always changing, never the same, and no one can claim one moment or make it last. That's what is so great about life. I mean, who knew yesterday that Jane Q. Phoenix's true dream guy was more or less a flying tomato? There are wonders to be found at every turn. I'm telling you.

I had multiple social invitations tonight but am staying in to master a computer program and hopefully gain a freelance job next week. (The job requires that I know how to use the program, hence the sequestration of myself). It is a drag to miss out on people I love to spend time with, but hopefully I'll get to see them when I don't have a deadline or opportunity looming.

Life is good!

Yours as always,

Jane Q. Phoenix

Sunday, 9 March 2008


Talking to Ms. Jane today, I realized that I have been in school for nearly as long as I worked as a professional corporate lackey. Good lord! Have I really needed that long to truly recover from that horror? Oh, apparently, I did.

But I will admit that this student life is starting to wear on me. While it's certainly nice to be able to have most of my days to myself when I'm not in class and being able to set my own schedule for the most part, it's also hard on a person to not have a certain rhythm to your day. While someone more disciplined than I would be able to follow a schedule they set for themselves, alas, I have not yet been able to do that yet.

So, even though I still have just over a year of classes left, I am excited at the prospect of working again. When I first arrived here, I worked part time but, after I returned back here after going home for a couple of months, I decided to concentrate on school and on myself and not have work to distract me. So, I have not had a job for nearly four months now. While I got much done (you wouldn't believe the bags of things I got rid of!!), I am now ready to dive back into some sort of work schedule, as well as receiving some monetary reward for that work! I feel that it will help me to get myself back in gear.

I've learned that a job that doesn't fit you can be seriously soul-damaging, but having a job you enjoy can have the opposite effect. Some of the jobs I've had that I've enjoyed the best are the ones in which I felt valued and appreciated. I was allowed to do my job without having someone looking over my shoulder, making sure I was doing my job. I was trusted to do my job correctly and if I needed some back-up, I could rely on my co-workers, and I reciprocated. We were a team, and each person was important. It never felt like being just another cog in the wheel, unappreciated and easily replaced.

Those jobs didn't exactly pay so well, nor were they easy all the time. However, the feeling of being part of a team, the feeling of being a valuable part of the business, made work that much more enjoyable. Unfortunately, I did leave those jobs because just having work I enjoyed was not enough to pay the rent or my bills (oh the unfortunate realities of life), but I remember that I had so much energy during those times. Instead of being a weight dragging me down, work was an essential part of my life, creating a certain rhythm in my life and that rhythm helped me.

So, I might still be in school, and I might have to rein in my enthusiasm for getting back to work at least until I find the right job for me, I am quite excited at the idea of working and earning a living again. sigh.

Saturday, 23 February 2008

Oh, hello

I am taking a quick break from my schoolwork this dreary rainy and cold Saturday afternoon to ponder the meaning of life.
42. That is the answer. We all know the answer. None of us know the question.

While Ms. Jane Q. Phoenix deals with the goings on in her life (I am hoping that she finds another job very soon), I continue with my own random thoughts. I sometimes do think too much, and other times not enough. When I was 15, I was chatting with this fellow about life in general. (Unfortunately for both of us, I was only 15 because otherwise, I might have ended up with a charming, sweet, insightful and educated boyfriend. How lovely would that be? I had my chance at 15 and have yet to experience all three of those things in one person. But I do digress...) He told me that some things I need to just let be otherwise I'll end up thinking myself into a box. Yes, I do that. It's usually got to do with my own life and what am I supposed to do here? What comes next? And then? What after that?

I have to keep reminding myself to take things as they come. Needless to say, this is much easier said than done. I think partly it's ingrained in us. I mean, how many of you had to do the exercise in school (or even in some job interviews for chrissakes!) "Where do you see yourself in 5 years? 10 years?" Now, how many of you have actually realized what you might have said? While goals are good to have, and visualizing yourself achieving those goals will keep you motivated and help you get there, sometimes life has other plans. My life keeps changing at a pace that brings me to places, that five years ago, I just wouldn't have imagined.

Let's take a quick 20, I never expected to have been struggling to barely make ends meet at 25. At 25yrs old, I never expected that at 30 I would have moved to a state I'd never even considered living in and have a job with a large company that others would look at as quite a good job to have (and I thought so too at the time.) When I turned 30, I never expected that by age 35 (which I'll mark this year), I'd have quit that job, sold everything to go back to school, and still be in school in a completely different state yet again (and back to struggling to make ends meet, although with a different perspective than I had at 25.) Funny how life works. Who knows where I'll be in the next 5 years?

Despite this, I keep wanting to know where my life will take me next, start plotting my next move so to speak. At the same time, I realize just how futile that is because right now, and for the next year or so, my place is here, continuing my studies. And so much can change in that year! Oh, I have dreams of leaving for foreign lands and traveling, experiencing different cultures, but for now, there is nothing I can really do about that. I need to get this task, my schooling, done with first. And yet I continue to ponder my fate. Where will I end up? What will happen? (oh, yes, if you haven't figured out by now, I often read the endings of books after the first few chapters just so I'll know where it ends and then can see how it got to that.)

I've had readings done that basically tell me everything is going to be all right, but I can't quite believe it yet. I am filled with uncertainty. I need to learn to live with it, let it be. Let the stillness come. Instead, I rush around trying to find an answer, trying to find that stillness. Put this way it seems pretty silly, and yet, that is what I do. Boxing myself in indeed.

Wednesday, 30 January 2008


The lovely Jane Q. Phoenix and I have been friends for oh so many years now. We met on a rambunctious school tour of Ireland. She defended me against our egomaniacal professor who seemed to have issues with my having a distinct sense of independence and spirit of exploration rather than docile submissiveness to his supervision of our group. I mean, really! I'd been travelling on my own since I was 18! I could handle more than he thought. But that's for another time. I, in turn, introduced Ms. Phoenix to the wonders of cider and expanded her adventures in Ireland, like the trip we took away from the group and her very first train ride! We also hailed our first cab ever in the streets of Dublin together. That was the beginning.

Since then, our friendship has grown stronger. We've been friends, roommates, even workmates! We've commiserated over many of life's little inconveniences like the troubles with boys and our jobs. We've also celebrated together, like New Year's in Miami and sometimes we just need someone to listen when things seem to not make any sense. We've shared similar experiences, like quitting our jobs to go back to school to follow a different path than the one we were on.

We're now living on opposite sides of the country. I'm still in school while Ms. Phoenix finished last year and started working in her new field. We still talk quite often. In fact, she tells me I'm the reason her cell phone battery is often low or dying. We came up with the idea of this shared blog as a way to discuss what happens in our lives and how we deal with them. The big things and the small-whatever we feel. That's what this blog is all about.