write it down

Visiting Jane this past weekend, we headed to one of my favorite little spots-the wonderful world of Barnes and Noble. Sigh. It just makes me happy to meander through the aisles, looking at this book or that, the magazine racks, and if something really grabs me, then to sit and peruse my little find, deciding whether I want to commit or not (wow, sounds a bit like dating, only that print material doesn't talk back.) Anyways, I digress...

I found this little gem of a book on manifestation. It's a thin little book, very simply written and it completely seduced me. I took it home and we've been getting to know each other the past few days. The book outlines certain steps to achieving your dreams, and the first step is to write it down. It says to think of your ideal life in 5 years. And write it all down.

Now, I remember back in high school, some teachers would have us do a certain exercise-imagine yourself in 5 years. In 10 years. And I always hated this exercise because I remember thinking, "you want me to know where I'll be in 5 years? Or 10? Are you insane? The world is full of possibilities. How can you possibly expect me to choose something now?! I don't even know all the possibilities?!" And the exercise would generally end there for me because, in essence, I'd refuse to participate.

I see things a little differently now. Maybe if my well-meaning teachers had said, "imagine what you'd like your life to be like in 5 years," instead of "imagine your life in 5 years," then I might have been able to play along (maybe, maybe not. I do tend to stubborness, so who knows.) However, since those high school days long past, I've read more, experienced more and I'd like to think that in some ways, I've gained a little bit of wisdom. Because now, now I see that this exercise has you practice your imagination and sow the seeds for what may come.

I can't remember who wrote it, but I remember reading that you can't get to your destination if you don't know where you're going. And it makes sense. This exercise sets a goal, a destination. It's not set in stone, but without the end goal in mind, you'll wander a bit aimlessly, as I have done, until something does grab your attention.

So, if you feel so inclined, I'd say go ahead and give it a shot-what do you imagine as your ideal life in 5 years? Play with it, let your imagination go hog-wild. Watch out for that inner critic/editor to rear its head when you do this (apparently, my inner critic already had a stronghold inside me those many years ago...) As you think of what you'd like your ideal life to be like, that voice might tell you that you don't need all that, or that you're asking for too much, or who do you think you are to think you can have that, or even laugh at you and say, yeah right! You can tell your inner critic that this is just for fun, it's just a game. Again, this is not set in stone. The point is to let yourself dream.

As I did this, I found that I had a hard time just letting go enough. At first, I found that inner critic speaking, "oh come on. Be realistic. 5 years passes quickly," but as I kept going, it became more fun, like "yeah, that would be cool!" But I realized that just admitting that I'd like to have a certain life, and certain things in my life was difficult, even if it was just to myself. I've been disappointed enough times that I've learned to keep my wants quiet, lest something comes along and squishes my hopes and dreams.

And again, getting it out there, admitting it, writing it down, that's the first step. It's a bit like a vision board-it's sending the universe a message that, yes, you would like things like this in your life. That will get the wheels in motion.

Oh yeah, duh!

I've had a lot of time to think lately. I've been home sick and had to postpone time with friends, which was a big huge bummer, but this time alone led me to a revelation that has occurred to so many people and been told to me so many times. It's just taken this long for the light bulb to go on.

It's about divine love. I was thinking about my relationships with family, friends, and significant others- how imperfect we are, how our actions are sometimes driven by insecurity and plain stupidity, how we are just plain ridiculous sometimes. People will look for something out there that is perfect, and the only thing that is perfect is divine. This is why people gravitate toward religion, I think.

La Diva has counseled me lately (via readings- you know how we're into that mystical stuff) and the advice this time was just like all the others- give your worries to Heaven. Stop worrying about stuff.

As one of my favorite Buddhist authors has said, though, you can't just tell yourself to do something; otherwise, ever depressed person on earth would simply say to themselves, "Be happy," and the demand for Zoloft would plummet. All would be well.

So giving up my worries- as much as I've wanted to do it- has been difficult. Based on a suggestion I received a few weeks ago, I am lighting candles every night. (This parallel to the church of my childhood has been noted- we would light a candle for someone in need and pray for them). Believe it or not, it has helped. Sometimes I just watch the flames for a while, and it's really relaxing.

Mortal love can be so limited. In several of my relationships, there's been this element of fear and some sort of power struggle tied up in it. As in, I have to make sure you understand the conditions of my love, and vice versa. I will be disrespectful to you if you disagree with me. I will insist that my likes are your likes and my opinions are your opinions; if not, love will be withheld.

That is why I think about divine love. Divine love doesn't set conditions; it doesn't judge you based on how well you adhere to the opinions and outlooks of the people in your family or social circle. It just is. It is a great comfort to me to think about this perfect thing. It takes the power plays and negative vibes of the world and puts them in their proper place.

The story I told myself

When I talked with Tim in October 2010, I calmly explained to him that we could see more of each other if he was a willing participant, to which he replied, "I can't." I remember looking at his hands. Then, my imagination went wild.

He had said, "I can't," I decided, because his hands were turning into giant lobster claws. Red ones. No wonder he couldn't call me! Imagine trying to text with giant lobster claws for hands. You can't dial your cell phone either, or email. The poor dear. Imagine how long it took him to do his homework, and what if he needed to give his dog some medicine? Ah, the messes that would ensue. Poor Tim, with his big red lobster-claw hands. No wonder he was incapable of hanging out! Imagine if he wanted to pick up the check for dinner. How on earth could he get the credit card out of his wallet? OK, Tim, you win. You can't. I get it.

After I got his apology email, I was a little bit disappointed that his reasons weren't as colorful as the story I'd told myself. It was such a comfort in those 2 months of no contact to think of Tim (a regular-looking, brown-haired guy who generally wears sneakers) with those awesome claw hands. I wish I could draw a picture! It would be fun to share. Ah, well.

I know communication is important, and it is good to be in touch again- heck, maybe we'll both be better prepared to date someone in the future if we can work out some of our issues in a relationship autopsy- but I was a lot happier with my own story. Hearing from him reminds me of the fact that, really, I was ditched, and that is a drag.

Diva tells me that I need to figure out why I don't feel I deserve better. It's a long story, and one that I want to turn around so that my future years are brighter than my past years in that regard. I have some work ahead for me (and it's not making up stories).