Saturday, 23 February 2008

Oh, hello

I am taking a quick break from my schoolwork this dreary rainy and cold Saturday afternoon to ponder the meaning of life.
42. That is the answer. We all know the answer. None of us know the question.

While Ms. Jane Q. Phoenix deals with the goings on in her life (I am hoping that she finds another job very soon), I continue with my own random thoughts. I sometimes do think too much, and other times not enough. When I was 15, I was chatting with this fellow about life in general. (Unfortunately for both of us, I was only 15 because otherwise, I might have ended up with a charming, sweet, insightful and educated boyfriend. How lovely would that be? I had my chance at 15 and have yet to experience all three of those things in one person. But I do digress...) He told me that some things I need to just let be otherwise I'll end up thinking myself into a box. Yes, I do that. It's usually got to do with my own life and what am I supposed to do here? What comes next? And then? What after that?

I have to keep reminding myself to take things as they come. Needless to say, this is much easier said than done. I think partly it's ingrained in us. I mean, how many of you had to do the exercise in school (or even in some job interviews for chrissakes!) "Where do you see yourself in 5 years? 10 years?" Now, how many of you have actually realized what you might have said? While goals are good to have, and visualizing yourself achieving those goals will keep you motivated and help you get there, sometimes life has other plans. My life keeps changing at a pace that brings me to places, that five years ago, I just wouldn't have imagined.

Let's take a quick 20, I never expected to have been struggling to barely make ends meet at 25. At 25yrs old, I never expected that at 30 I would have moved to a state I'd never even considered living in and have a job with a large company that others would look at as quite a good job to have (and I thought so too at the time.) When I turned 30, I never expected that by age 35 (which I'll mark this year), I'd have quit that job, sold everything to go back to school, and still be in school in a completely different state yet again (and back to struggling to make ends meet, although with a different perspective than I had at 25.) Funny how life works. Who knows where I'll be in the next 5 years?

Despite this, I keep wanting to know where my life will take me next, start plotting my next move so to speak. At the same time, I realize just how futile that is because right now, and for the next year or so, my place is here, continuing my studies. And so much can change in that year! Oh, I have dreams of leaving for foreign lands and traveling, experiencing different cultures, but for now, there is nothing I can really do about that. I need to get this task, my schooling, done with first. And yet I continue to ponder my fate. Where will I end up? What will happen? (oh, yes, if you haven't figured out by now, I often read the endings of books after the first few chapters just so I'll know where it ends and then can see how it got to that.)

I've had readings done that basically tell me everything is going to be all right, but I can't quite believe it yet. I am filled with uncertainty. I need to learn to live with it, let it be. Let the stillness come. Instead, I rush around trying to find an answer, trying to find that stillness. Put this way it seems pretty silly, and yet, that is what I do. Boxing myself in indeed.


Doppelgänger said...

All of us are travelers lost,
our tickets arranged at a cost
unknown but beyond our means.
This odd itinerary of scenes
--enigmatic, strange, unreal--
leaves us unsure how to feel.
No postmortem journey is rife
with more mystery than life.

Tremulous skeins of destiny
flutter so ethereally
around me--but then I feel
its embrace is that of steel.

On the road that I have taken,
one day, walking, I awaken,
amazed to see where I have come,
where I'm going, where I'm from.

This is not the path I thought.
This is not the place I sought.
This is not the dream I bought,
just a fever of fate I've caught.

I'll change highways in a while,
at the crossroads, one more mile.
My path is lit by my own fire.
I'm going only where I desire.

On the road that I have taken,
one day, walking, I awaken.
One day, walking, I awaken,
on the road that I have taken.

Claudia said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Dancing Diva said...

Oohh, Doppelganger...where is that from? who wrote it? I luuuurve it!

Doppelgänger said...

Dean Koontz starts many of his books with quotes from a book called "The Book of Counted Sorrows", which is actually not a real book. This is my favorite quote of all time from it. Here is samples of others.

Jane Q Phoenix said...

I like the way it says no one can afford what one does in one's life. Comforting for me as I'll be officially jobless- but temping- soon.

Diva, Doppelganger, we all want to know where we are going. I want to know who is this guy that fortune-tellers have told me about since I was 19 that I'm going to marry. I want to know what is the best job fit for me and where it'll be. The Mavericks have a song called "I wanna know" and it's more existential, but along these lines. The last few years, which have been interesting and exciting, have taught me a lot, but I am getting tired of never feeling like I belong somewhere- although I had deja vu 2 times yesterday, and that was cool. That tells me that I am in the right place, somehow, although none of us ever get to see the whole puzzle. Hope this continues!!!