Monday, 28 March 2011

Or as George Harrison said, This Too Shall Pass

Amigas and Diva, it's Jane here. The conspiracy of Aunt Flo and allergies has culminated into a giant headache that Coke straight out of the can didn't fix yesterday (yes, Jane fell off the wagon and drank a COKE!) but to no avail. It's got a hold on me and I'm at home, that home that's caused me so many emotions, and I'm relaxing.

The sale of this home will take some time, maybe stretching into 2013. I don't know yet; we're just taking baby steps toward that eventual goal. Diva, your post made me remember something that Shakti Gawain (meditation guru) wrote in a column a few months ago. Sometimes, the idea of positive thinking is given to people in such a way that it encourages them to deny what's really going on and try to convince themselves that their circumstances are better than they actually are. She said to really look at what's bothering you. Try to see what it is. Don't deny that something stinks when it stinks; just give yourself the hope that things will be better in the future, and try to imagine what that future will be.

I wonder what I'll do when I move on from this place. I really do. I realize that so much of my life is bound by this constraint. It is the reason I give for not doing more extracurricular things (oy, so much driving! So much stress! No money left over to do fun stuff) and sadly, after a recent budget review, that's true. One thing that I'm already doing, however, is worrying that I'll make some new awful mistake when I do move on, so much so that this time in my life will look like a walk in the park when it's compared to it.

I realize that much of this anxiety is the result of my hormone levels. Truly, every month at this time I wonder if I need professional help; but then, it passes, and I get up and go to work, and talk to people and laugh and everything feels better about my life.

Diva, you are absolutely right; were it not for this place, this environment as well as this house, I wouldn't have my first ebook. I wouldn't know Mike, and I'd be a lot less mature and a lot less appreciative of the things and people in my life that make it good. I'd be more selfish and greedy and a bigger pain in the ass for sure, at least to some people.

One thing that I need more of in my life is people. Fun people. This was "diagnosed" by our acupuncturist friend a few years ago. He'd prescribe "More Fun." It turned out that a house party that I was SOOO looking forward to this weekend just got cancelled, and I am bummed, but I'll figure something out. I just need to see people more, be out and about, and find things to laugh about as much as possible. I need fun. I had fun with our friend who visited last fall, and the boyfriend before him (before he disappeared). It's why I did so badly moving here and working for a small company and not meeting anyone I could socialize with. (It doesn't help that the bottom fell out of the real estate and job markets too, ha ha ha).

I also want to try dating again. Not right now, in this particular mood. I'll definitely let this headache pass. But overall, I think it's time I started being around interesting, fun people more often.

It occurred to me that when my good friend lost her father last year, she had her husband for support. When I suffer losses in my life, I have Diva and a few others, but I'd like to know what it's like to have live-in support from a real live partner, you know? I confessed to my friend K last week that I want to get married, not for glamorous reasons but for the partnership. Here I have these problems, this expensive house, for example, and no partner to work on the problem with.

Now, I know that men can bring in their own world of hurts (addictions, obsessions with former girlfriends, disrespect, cheating, whatever) and some of my friends bring this up to me when I say I want to get out there again, but I don't know. I'm so adept at being on my own that I can only hope that I'll be a good judge of character and pick a winner next time (or, one step closer to a winner; they are improving, you know!)

So- it all comes down to ensuring that the whole of my life doesn't revolve around one mistake I made. No one decision should have that much power over my happiness and my thoughts. I'll muddle through this just like I muddled through my fruitless searches for love in that other place, my mysterious illness (before it was diagnosed), and the other non-fabulous storms I've weathered since I started on this project of being a grown-up.


Friday, 25 March 2011

My turn to respond...

Ah, my dear Jane...
First, thank you, I hope the magic 8Ball is right! It's funny how you and I seem to have some similar revelations. Of course, I deserve the best (being the Diva and all...) but recently I also came to the conclusion that love is what matters. Do I love this guy? Yes, whether we're together or not. I do adore him. And I have a choice--to concentrate on his less than positive qualities, or the positive ones? Let's face it. If I concentrate on how he is less than perfect, that is all I will see and my reaction will not be positive. If I concentrate on his better qualities and his strengths, then that is what I'll see. And only good can come of it. So, I'm choosing the good. (and of course, me being Moi, I'm sure that the seesaw of frustration will at some point swing the other way, please remind me of this looking at the positive when it does!)

Now, about The House. What to do? I have noticed that you have much anger and frustration when you discuss the house and I can understand that. Been there. Done that. I am so glad I am no longer a homeowner myself. I was very fortunate to be able to bail just before things went to hell in a pretty little pink hand-basket. However, I can relate to the feelings of frustration that home ownership does bring, nevermind the added stress of feeling stuck in a place that you can't stand.

I think that maybe my situation with the boy and yours with the house can have a parallel. Think about the positive things the house has brought you: a really lovely place to hang your Elvis painting. A home for you and the birdies. A patio to sit on and look out over the pond. A garage to protect your car from the elements. A place to hide KC in the closet! Some really funny stories of roommate hunting. And of course, a really peaceful room for me to oversleep when I visit.

Of course, it's easy for me to spout the things I like about your place when it's not my responsibility to take care of it. I'm just speaking from my own experience from my house. I bought it also with the idea that it's the right, adult, thing to do. It's an investment, blah blah blah, but there were plenty, and I do mean plenty, of times that I had wished I had not bought it, that I'd stuck to renting an apartment with no worries of maintenance or upkeep or the eventual sale.

So, maybe the answer is not necessarily to try and let go of the bad feelings and frustration (because the more you think about them the more you will see/feel them), but acknowledge them, know that they are there, but also look for the happy, positive feelings that you have had (and maybe as a result feel more them??) Yes, you'd like to be out of there sooner rather than later, but remember what the Bard said, "This too shall pass!"

Monday, 21 March 2011

Horizontal Stripes on the Wall

A few years ago, I had a dream about the house I purchased as the world economy unraveled, where I've lived for almost 4 years. There were horizontal stripes on the walls, exactly like what you'd find on a prison uniform.

I can't believe how things have fallen apart sometimes. Things have fallen apart for just about everyone. Then, I see what's going on in Japan and think to myself, Jane, you selfish woman, you have food and a car that runs and a job and a roof over your head. Get over it. But yet, I still feel so angry for getting myself into this situation; I still don't know if I can trust my instincts or if I'm just paranoid about everything and everyone.

Whenever I take the morning dump (which is when I write in my journal early in the a.m. if I wake up before the alarm) I write some pretty interesting and hilarious things. One of them, which I'll have to paraphrase, is:

It seems like I wouldn't have time to stress about things beyond my control, given my packed schedule, but yet somehow I manage to find the time.

And I know this isn't healthy, amigas. I know that life goes on whether or not bills get paid and debts are paid back. I know that the world will keep on turning when I walk away from my first horrible attempt at home ownership someday.

There are so many beautiful things in this world that don't revolve around money at all. Yesterday, I spent a lot of time with someone I love dearly. There is no price on that, no bottom line, nothing but bliss. The night before, I had dinner with an old/newly in contact with friend and laughed until it hurt. These are the moments that make up a life, amigas. I don't know why I stress out so badly about my physical circumstances. The only question that really has to be answered is, Do you have love in your life? And the goal, then, is to be with those you love or doing what you love as much as you can.

I don't know what the answer is to handling my stress and letting go of the bad feelings and frustration. These jerky things get in the way of some pretty beautiful and ordinary things about life. I have to remember that all circumstances are fleeting and that there are things about today that someday I'll look back on and think were pretty swell.

PS to Diva: The magic 8 ball says that your crush won't move too far, if he has to move at all.

Friday, 18 March 2011

In response...

Crap, Diva, I don't know... it's human nature to want what you can't have. That unattainable thing always looks so great to us. We always want stuff like that.

I wish I could be a better role model for this type of situation. After all, here I am with a boyfriend who disappeared last October who I still check up on. Finding someone new has proved challenging, especially since everyone new I meet has a relationship with tobacco, or drinks more than I'd prefer, or... whatever. Or has a girlfriend already.

I'm not sure what's best. I feel like, as a single person, that you should do the opposite of what I'd advise you anyway since what the heck do I know????

How much honesty is enough??? How much should you say or not say to him??? I know what I'd do, but I don't have much luck so don't listen to me!!!

Wednesday, 16 March 2011

As Jane well knows (bless her for listening to my obsessive ramblings!), I've been interested in this man I know for a while now. He's interesting, charming, good looking and fun to be around. We've become good friends. However, this man is preoccupied with someone unavailable to him (as I am preoccupied with him-unavailable to me.) The irony is not lost to me.

There have been signs that perhaps he might possibly have gained some interest in yours truly, but the seesaw totters back and forth, and I have kept hanging on to the hope that maybe this man might one day wake up to realize what he's got in front of him (MEEE!) However, as time moves on, I'm getting more than a bit fed up.

It occurred to me that I am guilty of the same thing as he is-hoping for some morsel of affection from someone who is either not willing or not capable of giving it. Jane has pointed out that when he does show interest in women, these women all have one thing in common-they are unavailable to him. And I have questioned--am I doing the same thing with him? And I think the answer might just be yes.

So recently, I've been questioning my one-sided attachment to this man. And I've been asking myself, "Don't I deserve better?" I mean, he might be wonderful and fun and a really good guy, but don't I deserve someone just as wonderful that actually wants to be with me?? What a concept!

Saturday, 12 March 2011

New Dream

My spirit guide, after over a year's hiatus, appeared in my dream last Saturday night. He said, "Can I tell you something? I love you!"

It was a lovely dream. It is good to be loved.

Your Jane