Monday, 21 March 2011

Horizontal Stripes on the Wall

A few years ago, I had a dream about the house I purchased as the world economy unraveled, where I've lived for almost 4 years. There were horizontal stripes on the walls, exactly like what you'd find on a prison uniform.

I can't believe how things have fallen apart sometimes. Things have fallen apart for just about everyone. Then, I see what's going on in Japan and think to myself, Jane, you selfish woman, you have food and a car that runs and a job and a roof over your head. Get over it. But yet, I still feel so angry for getting myself into this situation; I still don't know if I can trust my instincts or if I'm just paranoid about everything and everyone.

Whenever I take the morning dump (which is when I write in my journal early in the a.m. if I wake up before the alarm) I write some pretty interesting and hilarious things. One of them, which I'll have to paraphrase, is:

It seems like I wouldn't have time to stress about things beyond my control, given my packed schedule, but yet somehow I manage to find the time.

And I know this isn't healthy, amigas. I know that life goes on whether or not bills get paid and debts are paid back. I know that the world will keep on turning when I walk away from my first horrible attempt at home ownership someday.

There are so many beautiful things in this world that don't revolve around money at all. Yesterday, I spent a lot of time with someone I love dearly. There is no price on that, no bottom line, nothing but bliss. The night before, I had dinner with an old/newly in contact with friend and laughed until it hurt. These are the moments that make up a life, amigas. I don't know why I stress out so badly about my physical circumstances. The only question that really has to be answered is, Do you have love in your life? And the goal, then, is to be with those you love or doing what you love as much as you can.

I don't know what the answer is to handling my stress and letting go of the bad feelings and frustration. These jerky things get in the way of some pretty beautiful and ordinary things about life. I have to remember that all circumstances are fleeting and that there are things about today that someday I'll look back on and think were pretty swell.

PS to Diva: The magic 8 ball says that your crush won't move too far, if he has to move at all.

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